7/31/12

Got it All Out of My System and Feeling Better

I feel mush less depressed and not drinking.Thank you buggerlugs for being my friend.I dont talk about any of these things in daily life.xoxxo.Im comming to visit you tomorrow and other blogs I been missing.XOXO.

7/30/12

Trapped with No Escaping

I slept yesterday on and off.I felt very sick with nausha and trots because i did not eat anything or drink exept wine.I felt disgusted with my self.Just before I returned to my bed the last time my door bell rang.I wanted to be alone in my pity party.I did not want other partyers.There was not partyers at the door.It was ex hubby and his pals.The same old faces I see with him all the time.I got hurt even thouh I was drunk and sleepy.
One of ex friends grabbed my belly which I dont like.I dont like it becuase he should not touch me esp when I dont touch him.Then came the words Im so use to.
He said how soft and blubbery my belly is.I hered this for years from this guy.He teases me about my weight.If he told me this all the time for my health I will apreciate it.But he does not.He knows it upsets me.
I told him again for the billionthed time Im not changing myself for him that he is not close or important to me.
I must have been lyeing.It does hurt me.If hes concerned for my health I will apreciate that he cares.But I know by now that he dont care.He wants me to feel awful about myself and to not like myself and it worked last night.Usally I let it go in 1 ear and out the other but I was already sad and drunk and tired and I went to bed for the 4th or 5th time sad and bothered about his words.
I dont judge by looks I judge by a persons warmth or coldness.I usually feel there temperture after a short time.Some times ppl are warm and kind but some times there cold and hurtfull.
It is past the weekend and Im still in depression.Im still drinking since morning because I feel less then a woman.I feel like every body judges by looks and it makes me want to hide myself.
He calls me The Girth Monster
I hope tomorow I will not need to be drunk or a sleep.I hope I can be my self and happy again by what I am.
I never said to them that I am a beuty.So why do they take my confidence away when I need it so bad.
I been listning to the Doors.I listen to them a couple times a year to my pity partys.
I know I am a big girl.I know I love eating but Im not changing that for some one who makes me feel like slime out of the gutter.I will rather stay in the gutter and be happy with my self then be made fun of. On the other hand I can and do feel good about myself but never when my nose is rubbed in the poo.
I will be right back my glass needs a refill and I need it.
Only times like this Im glad I got nobody who needs me.I love kids and animals but when I get drunk in the daytime Im happy Im not neglecting anyone.But if i did have an anker in this life I know it will help me live happy and fufill there needs and not my own selfish needs.
When I was in teen years my parents had all my parts removed from my body that I can yous to reproduce.I felt empty about it when they explained to me.I also felt very betraded because they never asked me my opinion.I always loved babies and been babysitter to my neigbors lots.
It was russhing to find out I can never have a baby because they are the ankers of life.If I had 1 that will make me feel I am passing some thing wonderful to the earth even when my time comes I know theres a place on earth where my baby continues life and may be has his or her own.
I think the cruelest thing a parent can do is take aways the rite to extend family.
I wish I had best friends but ppl in my town know my history and they dont always want to be bothered with me.I have forgiven 100% but I cant forget some thing like this.May be it could be me and my child against the world but its only me against it.
Im so sorry to bring out all this stuff and it comes out freeley when Im drunk.
God forgive my parents for bad choises.I hope there in Heven despite this.
I dont understand thogh why did my mother have childeren 7 of them and not let me have even 1.Yep, cheese Im in full pity party mood.But when they made this choise may be they were afraid I cant be a responsable parent.I dont know .I only know it makes a pain in my soul that I cant explain or understand myself.
I did not want Donna Reed or who ever to be my parents I just wanted to be able to be a parent myself.
Its spilt milk but it still hurst and painful.I never talk about this to daily life.I just trust to talk about it with ppl that dont spread rumors about it.
May be tomorrow I will feel like me again.Now I just feel like a drunk woman whose missing her whole life because desisions where made without me.
I just want to be closer to God because he is more important and His ideas and judgement are so much wiser then mine.Oh Cheese.I typed in almost ab book about sadnes.Im okay and dont worry about me please!
Im tougfer ten I seem to be.

Have a good day remeber the precious things in life.
Please dont get dragged down by my negativity.
And I will read your blogs when Im sober.
Good night to you and I wish you sweet dreams a mile long.

I hope to sleep now and all the pain be replaced by nice dreams.
Im so sorry to be pouring my heart uot.At least its Monday and not a holy day that I ruined again.

7/29/12

I acomplished Zilch This Weekend

Today I dont love myself.
I am to good at spending money before I get it.
I am not good at any finances.
I want things I cant pay for.
I seem to pay my bills late or to late.
I spend on food before nessesitys.
I always have to explain to ex hubby or land lord why I dont have the money.
Ex hubby is getting tired of lending me money.He is mad at me to.
I never was spoiled since I stopped my busness.It was the only time I was independent for my income.When I was a young girl if I wanted something my mother will tell me go up and down the street you will find a guy to pay for it.
My guilt is from ebay.I started selling my jewlry there.I sold things I was tired of and bouht new things.The new things are fake and paste but I liked them its like trading a five dollar bill for a nickel.
I have to get tough on myself.I have to learn not to look or to look away when Im broke.Lately I dont have the disipline to do right.
Spending on jewlry and food and bills last.
I dont like when I pity myself at all but that is what Im doing today. A real pity party with a bottle of wine open since 10 am.I am ruining what can be a decent day.
I like days where I acomplish things.Today by the time I finish the bottle I will be un fit to do my house chores.Worst of all It is Sunday. Im not being have on the most important day.On Fridays and Sundays I am usually good and in winter I light candles and pray.Today Im to ashamed to pray.I dont pray when I know im being bad exept if Im to the point of beging for pardon.
Im ashamed of posting a thing like this on Sunday.But may be I will remeber the misery Im in if I write it down.
I get my cloths and shoes from a charity.I get canned food and food in packets from another charity.But the packets have powders in them and MSG so I give most of them to my ex hubby who likes them and does not get sick from them.
I am horrible to type this selfish stuff but in a way I may learn a lesson.I need to learn a good lesson and that only comes to me the hard way.And its comming.Tomorow the land lord will knock and I will be a hung over mess and not fit to explain.I wont even be able to tidy the place up.
A couple times a year I go throuh the same thing.I drink a couple bottles of wine from morning to night and ruin the whole day and the next day.I do always feel bad wasting a day but I have not leraned or remembered just how bad it is.May be soon I will.
I take the sun away and put a black cloud over my day.
This is a long boring post but I just want to keep typing because there is nothing else I can do untill Im asleep.Im lonely but not drunk enough to bear with my feelings or to even deal with myself.
May be after Im done with this bottle I will fall asleep and forget all about this but I hope that I dont.Nothing is learned by forgeting.

7/27/12

Bad Migraine Head Ache

Yesterday I felt sick.My stomache felt bad so I just drank ice tea. No breakfast or lunch.Then I had to lay down and shut the curtains.My head felt cracked in a million pieces.I hated to get up but I made a tossed salad and I was going to broil a steak but the light hurt my head so bad.I took 4 advils and when I took out the frozed steak it was dark brown and green and smelled bad.
All I had left was chicken cutlets and I was still in pain when I dipped the in the egg and flour and bread crumbs.I was afraid I was going to puke because I do with migraines.My meal was good fried chicken and salad.I had powdered food but I been getting sick from it lately.Oh it may be the MSG in them I forgot.I felt better by bed time and slept real good.
I hate head aches so much.
I did not have one this bad for years.

7/25/12

The Rain and Me

I like to dance bare foot in the rain.
It is still in the 90s.My face is one big puddle.We have had breaks from the heat.Twice it rained and thundered and wild winds whiped through the trees and I went out side and enjoyed every drop of rain.
No rain today and I miss it.I went out in my sun dress and I heared a lady say I hope she has some thing under that dress.Not a problem because of course I do.
The pix is my ex hubby taken on a rainy day.I have no pix of me in the rain.
The only good thing out of the lack of rain is mosquitoes have not been able to hatch.I still get lots of bites every day.

Im going to buy another dozen eggs while there on sale for 78 cents.Beans are on sale to.My favorite B&M and Bushes baked beans.
I made a rice dish that made me sick.It is from a package you just add water and boil.

7/19/12

The Past and Present

When I was sorting out my old magazines I saw this cover and the story in it reminded me of myself as a young gal.Easy to fool and not knowing right from wrong.
I know now and that is wonderful.
This little girl in the article could be me because we both got in to the same busness.I will never name who got me started in but it dont matter any more. Im not angry with them any more.
Please ont be offended about this.
On a lighter note.I am very mad at Kraft and other brands of mac & cheese.Theres nothing in the box!I always get mad about it and I keep buying it anyway.
Hers my own recipe for a better filling mac & cheese if you need more .
I put in half a box of elbows and let them boil about 10 minutes.
I pour 1/2 cup of milk and warm it and melt 3 table spoons of butter in the milk.
I tear in to small peices 6 0r 7 slices of American cheese and blend it and then I pour it all in a big bowl and stir it till the cheese sauce gets all over the elbows.Delish and no powder!

7/16/12

Alone but Not Lonley

Its been real hot 90 something and it will stay this hot for a while.I cant stand it to hot and I stay home with the ac exept when I walk to my ex hubbys for supper.I can do with out in a lot of things but never with out the ac.I have been making his supper later and later hoping it cools off.
When we where married hubby visited his family for holidays and some times he stayed there a coule weeks.He use to buy me food and wine before he left so I had what I needed and most of the time I didnt mind be alone for a couple weeks.When we lived in the bad neihborhood I did not leave the house while my ex hubby was away.I can really entertain myself and keep busy with out seeing ar talking to people.Its not how I like it but it made me feel better that I can stand being alone.I knoe there will come a time when Im not happy anymore being by myself and I will be looking for a man again.My hubby lives near me but he is my ex and just a friend now.When I was younger I could not stand being alone at all.One time when my family was on vacation I felt so alone that after a quick hello to the mail man I just cried and wished he stayed.I wanted some body any body at all.
I have changed about that when my ex hubby left to visit his family I stayed calm and content.I didnt wish for the mail man to talk with or any one.I guess I love myself so much that I can keep myself happy and not feel any pity just cause m alone.

7/11/12

What I Acomplished This Week

I changed the bed sheets and sprused up my bed room.
I did 2 loads of laundry
I fixed 2 suppers for my ex hubby.Only 12 more to go.
I painted my finger and toe nails.
I put on perfume.
I cooked breakfast for myself.
I started eating salads all kinds you would not believe.
I scrubed my toilet.
I scrubed my bath tub.
I bought a bag of clearence potatoes.
I been listening to birds in the park to unwind.
I slept all through the night one day this week.
I been a good friend to myself.
I been taking walks earlier in the morning.
That is a lot for today half way to the end of the week.I have more stuff to do to.I think I did pretty good so far.
___________
If you need a friendly face in the window I am here for you.Not on the out side looking in but in my heart and with a smile.

7/10/12

Earning my Keep

I dont want to write about me today.I got new jewlry in the mail.I like it alot.It costed 20 something dollars for a ring and a bracelet on Ebay.My hubby said i can cook for him for 2 weeks cause I cant pay him back for a while.Last night i cooked spagetti with fresh mushrooms in the sauce and tonightI will make an omlet with chives for us.I feel like where married again.he patted my behind after lasts night meal and i all most felt like his wife again.The pix below is hubby when hes happy.

Some times I miss my ex hubby but when I think about how cheap he is i know I made the right choises.

He has 2 front teeth with a space in the middle.I use to love that.
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