Today I dont love myself.I am to good at spending money before I get it.I am not good at any finances.I want things I cant pay for.I seem to pay my bills late or to late.I spend on food before nessesitys.I always have to explain to ex hubby or land lord why I dont have the money.Ex hubby is getting tired of lending me money.He is mad at me to.I never was spoiled since I stopped my busness.It was the only time I was independent for my income.When I was a young girl if I wanted something my mother will tell me go up and down the street you will find a guy to pay for it.My guilt is from ebay.I started selling my jewlry there.I sold things I was tired of and bouht new things.The new things are fake and paste but I liked them its like trading a five dollar bill for a nickel.I have to get tough on myself.I have to learn not to look or to look away when Im broke.Lately I dont have the disipline to do right.Spending on jewlry and food and bills last.I dont like when I pity myself at all but that is what Im doing today. A real pity party with a bottle of wine open since 10 am.I am ruining what can be a decent day.I like days where I acomplish things.Today by the time I finish the bottle I will be un fit to do my house chores.Worst of all It is Sunday. Im not being have on the most important day.On Fridays and Sundays I am usually good and in winter I light candles and pray.Today Im to ashamed to pray.I dont pray when I know im being bad exept if Im to the point of beging for pardon.Im ashamed of posting a thing like this on Sunday.But may be I will remeber the misery Im in if I write it down.I get my cloths and shoes from a charity.I get canned food and food in packets from another charity.But the packets have powders in them and MSG so I give most of them to my ex hubby who likes them and does not get sick from them.I am horrible to type this selfish stuff but in a way I may learn a lesson.I need to learn a good lesson and that only comes to me the hard way.And its comming.Tomorow the land lord will knock and I will be a hung over mess and not fit to explain.I wont even be able to tidy the place up.A couple times a year I go throuh the same thing.I drink a couple bottles of wine from morning to night and ruin the whole day and the next day.I do always feel bad wasting a day but I have not leraned or remembered just how bad it is.May be soon I will.I take the sun away and put a black cloud over my day.
This is a long boring post but I just want to keep typing because there is nothing else I can do untill Im asleep.Im lonely but not drunk enough to bear with my feelings or to even deal with myself.May be after Im done with this bottle I will fall asleep and forget all about this but I hope that I dont.Nothing is learned by forgeting.
Yesterday I felt sick.My stomache felt bad so I just drank ice tea. No breakfast or lunch.Then I had to lay down and shut the curtains.My head felt cracked in a million pieces.I hated to get up but I made a tossed salad and I was going to broil a steak but the light hurt my head so bad.I took 4 advils and when I took out the frozed steak it was dark brown and green and smelled bad.
All I had left was chicken cutlets and I was still in pain when I dipped the in the egg and flour and bread crumbs.I was afraid I was going to puke because I do with migraines.My meal was good fried chicken and salad.I had powdered food but I been getting sick from it lately.Oh it may be the MSG in them I forgot.I felt better by bed time and slept real good.
I hate head aches so much.I did not have one this bad for years.
I like to dance bare foot in the rain.
It is still in the 90s.My face is one big puddle.We have had breaks from the heat.Twice it rained and thundered and wild winds whiped through the trees and I went out side and enjoyed every drop of rain.No rain today and I miss it.I went out in my sun dress and I heared a lady say I hope she has some thing under that dress.Not a problem because of course I do.The pix is my ex hubby taken on a rainy day.I have no pix of me in the rain.The only good thing out of the lack of rain is mosquitoes have not been able to hatch.I still get lots of bites every day.
Im going to buy another dozen eggs while there on sale for 78 cents.Beans are on sale to.My favorite B&M and Bushes baked beans.
I made a rice dish that made me sick.It is from a package you just add water and boil.
When I was sorting out my old magazines I saw this cover and the story in it reminded me of myself as a young gal.Easy to fool and not knowing right from wrong. I know now and that is wonderful.
This little girl in the article could be me because we both got in to the same busness.I will never name who got me started in but it dont matter any more. Im not angry with them any more.Please ont be offended about this.
On a lighter note.I am very mad at Kraft and other brands of mac & cheese.Theres nothing in the box!I always get mad about it and I keep buying it anyway.Hers my own recipe for a better filling mac & cheese if you need more .I put in half a box of elbows and let them boil about 10 minutes.I pour 1/2 cup of milk and warm it and melt 3 table spoons of butter in the milk.I tear in to small peices 6 0r 7 slices of American cheese and blend it and then I pour it all in a big bowl and stir it till the cheese sauce gets all over the elbows.Delish and no powder!
Its been real hot 90 something and it will stay this hot for a while.I cant stand it to hot and I stay home with the ac exept when I walk to my ex hubbys for supper.I can do with out in a lot of things but never with out the ac.I have been making his supper later and later hoping it cools off.When we where married hubby visited his family for holidays and some times he stayed there a coule weeks.He use to buy me food and wine before he left so I had what I needed and most of the time I didnt mind be alone for a couple weeks.When we lived in the bad neihborhood I did not leave the house while my ex hubby was away.I can really entertain myself and keep busy with out seeing ar talking to people.Its not how I like it but it made me feel better that I can stand being alone.I knoe there will come a time when Im not happy anymore being by myself and I will be looking for a man again.My hubby lives near me but he is my ex and just a friend now.When I was younger I could not stand being alone at all.One time when my family was on vacation I felt so alone that after a quick hello to the mail man I just cried and wished he stayed.I wanted some body any body at all.I have changed about that when my ex hubby left to visit his family I stayed calm and content.I didnt wish for the mail man to talk with or any one.I guess I love myself so much that I can keep myself happy and not feel any pity just cause m alone.
I changed the bed sheets and sprused up my bed room.I did 2 loads of laundryI fixed 2 suppers for my ex hubby.Only 12 more to go.I painted my finger and toe nails.I put on perfume.I cooked breakfast for myself.I started eating salads all kinds you would not believe.I scrubed my toilet.I scrubed my bath tub.I bought a bag of clearence potatoes.I been listening to birds in the park to unwind.I slept all through the night one day this week.I been a good friend to myself.I been taking walks earlier in the morning.That is a lot for today half way to the end of the week.I have more stuff to do to.I think I did pretty good so far.___________If you need a friendly face in the window I am here for you.Not on the out side looking in but in my heart and with a smile.
I dont want to write about me today.I got new jewlry in the mail.I like it alot.It costed 20 something dollars for a ring and a bracelet on Ebay.My hubby said i can cook for him for 2 weeks cause I cant pay him back for a while.Last night i cooked spagetti with fresh mushrooms in the sauce and tonightI will make an omlet with chives for us.I feel like where married again.he patted my behind after lasts night meal and i all most felt like his wife again.The pix below is hubby when hes happy.
Some times I miss my ex hubby but when I think about how cheap he is i know I made the right choises.He has 2 front teeth with a space in the middle.I use to love that.
This is my sexy ex hubby.He likes when girls look at him since where not married anymore.I told him about the jewlry money I owe him and he was in a good mood and told me I can pay him when I have it.
This is the way he always looked when he was in the right mood for love.See how charming and sexy his expression is?I made the pix biger so you can see the sexy look he got.
We was married for 9 years.
It is to hot for me to do aaaanything!I cant bear with it at all.I spent my moolah on Ebay and I am wondering how to pay for it.The account is in my hubby's name and I am going to be in trouble.I am not worried about ebay.I am worried about my hubby.He will be so pissst!Oh well why worry when I have no answers.Her is me looking more happy a few weeks ao.
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bet you guessed it never happened.I got married to a jughead.He did not ruin my career.I was not made to be in movies.Oh well.Anyway I hoysted up my skirt looking sexy for this pic.
This is a long boring post but I just want to keep typing because there is nothing else I can do untill Im asleep.Im lonely but not drunk enough to bear with my feelings or to even deal with myself.
