Ugly Week End

So much has happened since a week. I dont know if its a week but this weekend was ugly and rough and cruel.

One of the first things that really upset me so bad was that I passed Alex on the street. It was not a chance meeting. I been on the look out for him since the day we had coffee together.

We talked and since I only get to meet him on the street  I asked him for his phone number.

He said he dont give it out and I asked him why and he said for right now lets nots not worry about it.

This seemed wrong to me so I gave him my number and he folded the paper and put it in his pocket.

Then he asked me if I was in love with him and I told him the truth Yes.

He told me he was not ready to jump into a relationship and said that we can be sexual friends.

I asked him if one day we can be more than that. He said Take it one day at a time.

This time we where together I didnt get a happy and loving feeling. I felt it was one sided.I love him but he dont love me back.

A nother thing was the presents I got my ex hubby.I bought him a hoodie and I ordered his fish online and I got them both.

But the money came from what I sold on Ebay and the buyer wrote saying he never recieved the stuff.

I wrote him and told him on con of the hurricane it might be delayed.The tracking number I got at the post office just says it was acepted and it dont indicate the where abouts of it.

That was the money I used to buy ex hubbies birthday gifts.

If the man never gets the package I refund him but since I spent my Ebay money and the account is under my ex hubby. They will take the money out of his account.

Of course I dont want hubby paying for gifts I wanted for him. And he will be pissed off if Ebay takes the money. I figured I wont tell him unless the man after some more time doesnt get the package.

The other thing was that my bro came to visit and usually he brings his three kids. I asked him why he  didnt bring them and he said they dont like me and dont feel comfortable a round me. I got very hurt about that and got angry and told him if he dont want his children visiting me then he might a swell stay away to.

He said its not his kids fault they dont like me or feel comfortable with me an they think Im really a man.This was the worst blow because my bro knows about the operation my parents decided for me having my reproductive parts removed and that it made me feel even more motherly and needy of children.

I always scraped up some money to buy them birthday and Christmas gifts.

I keep there pictures on display but I dont blame the children.I blame my brother and his wife.

I had three or four beers.I was more optimistic and drank tes earlier to get things done and then I felt that before drinking tea. I should see what kind of day its going to be. I can only enjoy from tea if my day is productive and pretty good.

I know Its not healthy drinking early in the day and on an empty stomache.Believe it or not I been to depressed to eat.

Moods and occurances change like the weather.Yes I am extremly depressed but who knows. Some thing can happen that can lift me up in happiness.

IDK. Maybe the Ebay guy will get the shipment.Or maybe Alex will begin to love me.

Life is full of question marks.

la volte la vita è un inferno. Life at times is hell.

I have a bottle of  Southern Comfort.It goes down smooth and hits you all at once.

I am feeling companionship with my computer and with my 2 best internet friends.I dont feel loneely even in my apartment.

I am typing because I have nobody to talk to. Well I can talk to ex hubby but he snaps at me when I get drunk.I cant call the religious lady for the same reason. She will only tell me drinking alcohol is the most offensive sin towards God.

I think if its so sinful it will not exisit in this world. I think its there for a reason.If not it would not exisit.

Does God judge by your heart or your weakness to pain blotting elements?

I think pain blotting elements are here for the very reason that lief is so emotional and wounding and at times brutaly  malishious.

Bear with me while I get a shot of Southern Comfort.If it was not confined to a bottle. I think Southern Comfort should be just distributed in the air so we all get some peace.

BRB.

Well I guess all this ramblin aint going no where.

Im Feeling Very Ugly

I know Ugly is not a feeling.

But I feel very very ugly. Ugly sounds to pretty.

I feel hideous.

Not feeling.I mean to say I look hideous.I should have been a nun.

Where is a place to go or a life style for hideous looking people.

I am cursed..

I wish I was blind and could forget how I look to myself an to other people.

I hope my stay in the world is not to long.Im just a suffering soul.

Some people have shown me so much mercy and I have no mercy for myself.

It just occured to me I feel like the title of Anna Graces blog.

I dont know if she realy feels like that or its her favorite song.

My thoughts wont linger very much in that question.

I am a monstrosity.

I wonder if I scare little children? That thought fills me with so much dispair. I cant stop crying.

And Im so big.

Physicaly Im a circus freak. Im in need of a cage with a sign Do not feed the animal.

If I had to live on display I will not have any peace.

Horrid.Dispicable.Un loveable.

How did I let myself forget my trap. The physical case thats traping a poor tired devastated soul.

I dont think I willblogfor a long time.

I want to forget I  exist.

I want to shrivel up and evaporate or shrink away.

Im not liking things I wrote about myself.I realize I was only fooling myself and setting myself up for suffering.

Enough. Im suffering and writing about it is magnifying my self hatred.

I am alright. I have cried lots over looking at my photos.

Please Bugerlugs and Gledwood dont worry about me.

I am at my worst emotionally.

I have a severe head pain from crying and soon I will forget.

The best thing I have going for me is my short and selective memory.

Hot to Trot and Hot Headed ex Hubby

Since Saturday when my hubby brouht me 2 trash bags full of cloths I been feeling very guilty.

I met a real good looking and hot guy Saturday night. His name is Alex.

I seen him before but I didnt know he was interested in me. In that way. He asked me if he could by me a cup of coffee.

I dont drink it but I sayed yes because I wanted to get to know him better.

While we where drinking the coffee he put his hand on my knee.I could feel my face geting hot. When he walked me home I could see his breath in the air. Hes so hot!

I invited him in and we passed my ex hubbies bags of cloths. I felt guilty thinking about my own physical desires in stead of cleaning hubbys cloths so I told him good night and walked him to the door.

I lost some sleep thinking about abandoning my hubbys cloths and pursuing my fleshy pleasures.

I was wondering if Alex felt hot to.And if Alex was picturing me un dressed in his mind.

I feel guilty for not washing my ex hubbies cloths this week. I could have washed at least a bag of his socks or under pants.Am I selfish? My ex hubby been wearing sandals in the cold weather and he has a bad cold.

Still I want to be invisable to my hubby.Disappearing like a ghost. Not facing my ex hubby when Im falling in a new love.

An old man told me that he met lots of ghosts and most of them where much nicer then most people.Ghosts have good  table manners and make good drinking buddies.

I wonder if God permits any souls to fly down to earth or only angels? May be the the wingless ones are ghosts.

I seen Alex a nother time since the coffee. He was geting on the bus as I walking and I said hi. And he came down off the stairs and on the side walk and he smiled to me and asked me whats up Sugar?

I told him I was sorry I made him miss the bus and he said Dont worry about it any way I can use a long walk.

Friday Focus on The Bible

I wanted to try some thing a little different.

For today I looked up passages from The Bible that corresponse to this day.

I chose The Gospel According to Matthew

Mathew 11:2 And when John heard in prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples

                  3 and said to Him, "Are you coming One,or do we look for another?"

                  4 Jesus answered  and said to them, "Go and tell John the things which you hear and see:

                  5 "The blind receive their sight and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them.

                  6 "And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me."

                  7 As they departed, Jesus began to say to the multitudes concerning John:"What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind?

Now Im going to think about how this is relevant today still keeping in mind that The Bible is very difficult to read and understand and that my interpretation may be way off.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that John is in jail and hes thinking  about Jesus and the miracles He is performing.

And that Jesus does not want John in jail pondering the miracles on his own and instead He sends His disciples to further explain to John whats going on. This makes me think Jesus wants to reasure John.

And that because John is in a sad and lonely place Jesus is sending to him words of endless hope and encouragement.

John of course was one of Jesus disciples.

Jesus stopped the people from stoning Mary Magdalene. Jesus appeared after rising from the dead to her.

Jesus was crucified with a thief and because the theif showed belief in Jesus. Jesus promised  Dismas that he will be recieved in Heaven.

So this applies to me because I am a sinner and its possible that God will accept me in Heaven to. And that God does not judge the person for there crimes but judges by the whole entire spirit. 
Gods eyes are divine and only He can see our spirit with complete fairness. And God has the power to heal anything He believes should be healed.
It makes me believe that only He knows when a soul is at his worst and needs His help the most. 
His knowledge is all knowing and ours is faulty and simple. 
And he is merciful.

Peace be with you this Friday and always.

Where do thoughts fall a sleep?

I had a very vivid dream and it was one of the craziest I ever had.

I was in a mandatory clinic. There where 5-6 of us chosen to under go plastic surgery.

In the dream I felt aprehensive about this.

One of the patients was a pretty girl from elementary school and I thouht why is she here?

We where examined and each of us was told what there surgery will be.

I was thinking I must be in the belly tuck category.

No. That was not it.

My pretty school friends was given a red painted mouth and she looked only a little different then before.

Another guy had a nose job which made his nose bulge in the middle.

One guy got high and arched eye brows where before they where straight and low.

And I was sitting at a mirror watching my surgeoun operate on not my belly fat but my eyes.

She was moving my eyes from at the sides to close by the nose and even side by side with no room in the middle.

I was very uncomfortable and could not see well as she did this,I wanted too say some thing but it was mandatory and I felt power less.

Finally all of us where returned to a recovery room.

The patients where taken off the wheel chairs and put on a table.

The nurses held the patient down with blankets.

This was more unbearable then the surgery.

We had to lie on a bed with our heads surrounded by 3-4 jets blasting some chemical by our ears.

Some of the patients began screaming and the nurses held them more firmly to the bed.

I got all worked up and woke up wondering why my sub consious was thinking about stuff like this.

Sandy is a Slow Rider

I got candles and snacks and a couple bottles of wine and other drinks. It looks like Im going to have company.

Sandy is a slow travelin gal. She makes you wait.Unlike hurricanes that speed by rapidly while touching some parts in there path and mercifully ignoring others. Sandy is a tease. 

The winds whipping through the trees wildly.Very little rain so far. Shes due to charge up in an hour and creep along through tommorow. Shes in no hurry and keeps you under her spell. Shes a category 1 but she may not let that spoil her fun.

Peace of Water

I got three fish tanks when I passed a tag sale as it closed up. As long as I could take them away.

One had cracks all over the edges and I thouht with some silicone I could fix it up but when I found chips of glass in the tank while I was washing it I changed my mind.I was lcky to see the broken chips and not cut my hands on them.

The  one Im using has 3 live plants and 2 plastic ones. I got 2 spotted Raphaels and a  red chiclid.and an orange one.

I got the Raphaels on Ebay.They came in 3 bags with a pocket hand warmer in a box.

When they feel threatened they make the spines all over there bodys rigid and protruding.This is there defense against a predator.

They are nocturnal and swim around in the dark.

I use to have brackish water fish.Scats puffers and monos. When Im done  the sounds and fish will be calming.

Im not sure what to do with the other 30 gallon tank.May be an oranda.

If Im Hungover tomorrow It be Worth It

How much can change in 24 hours.

tomorrow is now today.
Yesterday still yesterday and I drank quite a bit after a confrontation including my sister and her bf and also with my brother.

I woke up feeling very fresh. No sign of any drinking. I did over sleep but a woke with energy and purpose and no unhappiness at all.

I got dressed and took a long walk in the cool breezy fresh air and before I got hot the cool air evaporated any perspiration.
I met my ex hubby who whore a big smile and I felt like part of the leaves blowing around.

Sunday was not spoiled after all.

Give a little and take a little

Remember Guess whos coming to dinner? Im trying to remember the words to the theme song.

I love any movie with Sidney Poutier in it.I had a crush on him since child hood.

Hes always so cool calm  and collected even when hes real angry.Perfect gentleman.

I dont want to gush all about him.

Its Friday.The day I do a soul search check list.

1 morale boosted check

2 out of self pity mode check

3 inspiration check    etc

I have my list completed.

Until yesturday I spent to much time in doors because my sister and her bf have spent so much time in my neighborhood.

I was living like a vampire.I only go out after dark when I know shes home.Below the coast is clear.No sister in sight and I get to hug the telephone pole!

My ex hubbys birthday is next month and it was looking like all I could give is a hug and a kiss.Or clean his apartment to a high shine.

I wanted to get him a hoody and a cake and his fave fish and its looking like I will be able to.

Finally some body bouht a pearl set of earings a bracelet and choker. So I have money and the freedom to give him the material gifts I was hopeing to.

I love that little luxury of be able to buy some thing for some one.I will give him his birthday hug and I will get his apartment so clean he wont recognize it.

The smile on his face is my motivation and his happiness will pass on to me.

Oh happy day it is.The person on Ebay says on Monday I cant pay you till friday.Im laid up in the hospital.I told him no probs its fine get well soon.

Just as he promised I have the money! The freedom. The gift of being able to give.

Its funny what you can do with a happy heart.

Happy Friday and happy weekend

I am Ian Andersons bigest fans.Not loyalty wise.Size wise.His smile makes me happy and entranced. My speakers are broke so I cant hear this happy little song.

Fraidy Cat

Im very nervous and upset.

I wish I had more friends.

One friend she was a good friend who moved states away told me You dont need friends.You need the law.

There is a couple who live near my building. 

They are loud and cuss loud enouh for the whole neighborhood.

I get head aches when Im stressed out.
There was a little arguing today.I was composed until I shut the door and fell a part. For the moment its behind me.
Tomorrow it may be a head of me.Again.
I love when the awful parts of life are over with.
If we could all get the awfulness out & over with on a day where energetic. And look forward to all the peacefull tomorrows.

More often then not I have a cowards approach. No. Its not an approach at all if Im hiding.

I avoid problems.Or I get boozed up and sleep.

I have never found the courage to resolve deep big problems.

I will coop in my apartment until there gone.

So my freedom depends on the where abouts of these people.

Im intimidated by them. I am afraid of there threats. I wont call the police because it can make matters worse.

Im not moving again. They follow me any way.

My ex hubby is very afraid of this couple.I cant turn to him for help.

Part of the couple is actully one of my sisters. The bossiest.

I know how menacing and vindictive she is.

She knifed my exs tires after she was trying to get me in to trouble.

There she is. I made her smaller and less threatening.Ha! If I could do that in my head when I look at her I will be all set.

I use to welcome her at my old apt living with ex hubby.

She punched holes in the wall while we was out.

I  would not tell the land lord the truth. He is no nonsense.

I told him I did it. My ex hubby help me mesh and patch the holes. Then we got evicted.

I dont want more trouble.I want peace and happiness.

Do I have some thing my sister wants? What it seems like she wants to destroy me.

When she was in and out of prison. I never bailed her out. I dint have the money but if I did I would not.

5 yrs ago or so she was diagnosed with drug induced Schizophrenic affective disorder.

I cried.For a little time I felt that now I can understand her antagonism.She was not well. 
I took the diagnosis tragicly. I wished I could hold her and make her well.

She took the diagnosis real well.She was happy to get more money then just state welfare. For months until her disability was granted she was a model patient.Taking the medication and all that.

Her personality was always intimidating.She likes controlling people. I dont think these are a part of the illness. I think there just herself.

I never met  a nother soul who is as cruel as her exept my mom.

As soon as she got disability she stopped the medication and stopped seeing the doctors.

She was back on cocaine and diet pills and  every thing she gets her hands on.

She is the part of my life I want to forget about but cant.

I want to forgive but cant.Because her terms are irrational.

If only I move to a nother state and she does not find me.May be some day. But Im no where near close to a move.

She bullied me all the while we lived with our parents. She loved harassing my friends so that I had none left from school.

She is not well and I should still have the compassion I had when they diagnosed her.. I dont.Its so hard to compassion some one who makes daily life hell. Who gets rushes from creating havoc and joy from watching you cry. In fact I been crying days now. My eyes are so puffed its painfull keeping them open.

People say casual hang in there. I been hanging a life time and only let go completely once.

People can talk about the law. She has the law on her side.

She use to borrow my compact to powder her shine.While using it I would hear the familiar clicking sound before she handed me a compact with a broken mirror and powder falling out. I lost may be 20 compacts this way. 

She drove earlier then me.I got my licence late in life. I took the car to her place and invited her fora spin. Where ever she wanted to go I said happily. She wanted the ice cream parlor.Strange she sat in the back seat and not with me. I get home and find ice cream all over the seat all over the windows.

She may never even have licked the ice cream but she sure as hell licked me a long long time ago.

God give me a little scrap of what they call peace. Just a little and I can stretch it a long way.