Born on a Blue Day

My ex hubby got me this book this week. It reminds me of a blogging virtual friend.

I been spending more and more time with real people in real life. Some of them I like being a round. Some of them iritate me and I show when I am mad. I wish I could "detach" myself from people who annoy me. The thing that bothers me is they arent sincere ppl. They are ppl who enjoy harassing/offending/bothering and making other ppl un comfortable.

I dont understand how any body can thrive on humiliating other people or making others upset. Maybe they enjoy watching my face turn purple. Or they way my mouth bends up and down as I try not to cry. They like seeing some body struggle. Good thing this type of ppl is in the minority of the ppl I ben hanging out with.

I feel the "crisis". What CBT nurses say is extremly uncomfortable and lasts only a brief time. I am not to make a crisis worse. I am to concentrate on how qucik I will feel a big relief. I will rejoice in that relief. The relief and comfort it brings once the crisis is over will make all the discomfort and angwish seem worth going thru it they say. So far I didnt expierience it yet. I feel happiness once a panick is over. I dont think it was worth the panick but cooling off after the panick is all most refreshing. Its like cold water on a sweaty hot day when Im all most past out from the heat and humidity.

I been drinking less over all. I have a beer sometimes in the morning but mostly not.

Today I am ruining the day for myself. I havent done that in months. Its such nice weather but I am feeling resentful toword my ex hubby. He has a car and woud not bring me for a ride. I am spiting him and me by drinking. I have some pills to to make my self more tired. I dont want to hear any thing or feel any thing. I want  to feel like Im a sleep with no dreams and no interuptions.

When I spite some one I know that I am really spiting me. But its not the kind of spite that does damage. Im not ruining any bodys posessions . Im not leting air out of some ones tires or throwin a rock in to a window or calling ppl names. I am ceasing the day. Not taking food off some body hunrgrys plate and putting it on mine. I am taking my self out of a day. I am liberating my self just for this one day to sleep and not feel.

Ex hubby wont even know Im trying to spite him. But I can feel the spite I cause my self today. Its a beautiful day to enjoy. Im taking that wasy from my self and feeling a little guilty about it. When you spite others you just spite your self and I know this from all my life but i dont break the bad habit. I guess I want to make my self miserable.

I am late geting my tests. But i did this on purpose. I want to get those mamograms over quick as posible so I like going when its not to hot. That way I can go with no braand no complicated un dressing. I dont like going bra less in a t shirt. I like the qucik cover up of a sweater so I been stalling but Im months over do. I have to get it over with.

I forgot to write I ben on a diet and have a waiste agen. I boil 3 tea bags of green tea. It makes me hyper with out palpations. Cola and coffee give me palpations but not green tea and I usally eat one meal a day a big one and a fruit for desert. I eat beans and anything high fiber.

Now I feel better but not good enugh to lay down and sleep yet.

I need a few moresamual Adams for that and I got them. I ran out late morning to get them.

There more strong i think then Corona.

pROLLY no one wiil read this. I got a new word. No one will read this I forget the word. Pro. Pra. Let me try concentrating. Ok ponderous. No body will read this ponderous post.Be cause no body is is interested in a fat lady with emotional/mental un balance post.
I will keep tyoping until I feel very un feeling and calm and at peace.

Im writing hnging on to nothing. No one will read this but me and that is okay because Im spilling out my guts and it matters only to me./

Im looking at how long this is and comparing it to how lang I will be fast a sleep during the day time. It is still so early but I dont care.

The more I dont carwe about things the better I will feel byut I wont feel much energy late to nofght and I weont feel so good tomorow and that means a nice day spent in bed.

I need a few more slugs and use my bath room. My bath room is the most peaceful place in my place. I got a book shelf. A cream shelf. My vaseline is on the toilet tank and its the best for my dry skin chapped hands. I have a bowl of cigarettes that I rolled at ex hubbys that I lit and watch the smoke swirl around and insence. Peach scent. Its my fave.

Since I like my bath room so much  because its so small I ouht to keep snacks in it buy Im on a diet so why bother.
I feel better and better.

My ex reads nes papers but I dont. I dont care about history.My ex hubby says I need hobbies and distractions. He gets that from looking and charming pretty girls.


PPl lways think im older then i am.

On the other hand life is some of this and some of thast.I like the tahat. Of the ppl I knowmost of them exept for 2 are just intrested in there own benefits.
Good night and sweet dreams to you an me.
Its only nrel early in the day but feels like night to me and Im happy with that