Sick lepard at the Bottom of the Pool

When we saw the spots on the big cat it was so exiting.
He looked so wild and exotic. But he was very groggy and sleepy.
The guys found him at the bottom of a pool where he was living. I didnt know cats could live under the water.
They brout him in to her the bed room. He was to sleepy to look at all of us admiring him.
He didnt notice us at all.
He is very beautiful. He sleeps a lot.

My Wealthy Friend

I visited my wealthy friend last night. I think it was about 3 or 4 in the morning.
I was surprised to see she had so manyfriends and family over her place at this hour.
She died her hair dark auborn and stoped wearing green contacts so her eyes where brown.Without the hair bleach and contacts she looked 20 years younger. I hardly recognized her.
She made some changes in her house. The main one was a brick lined underground pool. It had sparkling water cascading down beutiful flowers. Maybe even water lillies.
She had dogs relaxing in the pool. It was for them. She asked if I had gotten a dog. I said no. If I did she said I could bring him over to her pool. Dogs loved it and the theraputic effects.
She had such a crowd there I didnt get to talk with her until she was standing by the sink. She was throwing dry handfuls of rice at her cats and I asked her why? She said she was not sure but for some reason it was good for them. She said she added vanilla to the rice to.
She had a tiny preshious kitten. Five cats all together she said cause it was a good number. That is why she also had 5 dogs.
We all had trays of food on our laps. Mine got rice all over it and did not look apetizing.
She sat me beside her elderly neabor but the lady was sleepping and I was also geting tired.
I said good night to her and some of her friends then I came back home and was in my bed and wondering about the visit and I fell a sleep.

 

It Didnt Have To End This Way

I feel a restlessness waking up.I want to do something but not anything.Something which would tire me out.

Something  which will take all my focus and concentration.

I stretch so many times a day after I'm awake. I stretch each time as though just risen from bed.

I have energy. I want. I want. I want.

I want answers.

I want to know what time he left. What he was thinking.Why he paniced.

I didn't know him well at all. Brief conversations with a man I never saw.

When he left he took everything with him.

I guess he never went to bed that night. He just died.

By morning there was nothing left. Ashes and smoke.

His body would have been cold if he had not had himself cremated.

Did he really plan all this? Did he really think? Was he just doped and unclear? If he had made these plans sober then I feel maybe a little relieved. That this is what he truly had wanted.

Im afraid this was all haste and confusion and hysteria.

I dont know enough to understand.

It was a secret.

I wonder if his home became his prison? Why would he take it all down and disappear without a trace of ever having existed on this planet?

I really wonder about his last thoughts.. Did he know what he was doing.

I know he had a fear of Monday morning and became drunk. He paniced.

The rest is what he took away with him.

He was coherent.

I never spoke to him when he was incoherent and that is probably when he was more open about his intentions.

Good bye my friend. I wish I knew you better. I was curuious about you.You seemed so good. And kind.
I know you were misplaced and had no place to go but where you did.
I hope you are finally where you wanted to be.
With only love embracing you.

zombie birthday

Im glad ex hubby took a pic of my birthday cake. If not for the picture I never remember what it looked like. I know it tasted good.  It was stawberries and whiped cream.
I feel so slugish and shaky. I would like to stop thinking. I cant.
Some people are very cruel.
May be theres something on tv that can help me stop thinking. Get involved with something cheerful.
I had enouh ugliness for the past weeks.
Ex hubby offered a fine gift. But its his pride and sympathy offering.
He dont have the money but to refuse him hurts his pride.

good night and sweet dreams and ll wonderful things to you

Next month is my tests.
I will :
try extremly hard to be as cheerful as possible
if  results are bad. I will plan a way on staying alone at home as much as possible
I will try to be self reliant.Independant.
I will find reasons to smile
I will find reasons to make myself laugh
I will keep aware that God loves me
I will keep distracted
I will stay away from other people
I will hide as much as possible
I will not scare or depress others if all goes really bad
I will try my hardest 
I will accept myself but not expect others to accept me.
Thanks all for being the best online buddies as possible

Coward

I stoped spending money because Im worried about July.I am worried about the tests for the c word. Still a big fat babywhen it comes to that word and that idea and knowing the tests are due so soon.
I kept myself pretty happy.
Im geting moe worried and nervous now.
But since January when I went for the tests and they gave me this appointment six months away. I breathed. I didnt think about it much. I wanted to have some care free time. Happy time.
I will get back into concentrating on smiling and lauhing.
I drink more green tea. I eat garlic. I cut down on all exept 2 junk foods.I only eat pretzels and  Fritos.
Im ot spending so that if I am in dispair in July i will have some money for spending on things that can make me feel happy even temporary happiness is better then nothing.
On a lighter subject I have planted some tomatoes and herbs and maybe I will get more veggie plants if the garden works out.
What else.Im thinking?
My sleep is improving. I feel tired out after so much green tea. I dont know if that is what makes me tired. May be I wear myself out with the tea? I stop drinking tea at 3:00. Sometimes earlier if Im real hyper.
Today ex hubby is bringing me all his whites to wash. Its nice that he sorted out the colors for me because my place is a mess when I have to seperate the colors from the whites and I have his clothes all over.
My fish are doing good.
 

When People say You Have Nothing

I hear this so much.You dont have anything. or behind my back she does not have anything.
I think to much when I hear that. I dont think any one else can tell if you have lots or little. When I feel happy and loose and at ease and confident. I think I have much more then ppl who like to say that.
I have a valuble new day and freedom to do any thing I like with it.
If I dont feel I can serve a purpose I feel like I have nothing. That is when I feel poor.
Being surounded by antiques or fine paintings woud not do anything to make me feel a void is feeled or feel rich.
I will feel like if I had lots of expensive posessions that I done nothing to deserve them. I would lie to myself and think I am worth as much as the dollar value of these things.
When I got married ppl said my hubby had nothing. They dont know he has a great sence of humor. He has a charm when his face is all lit up with his smile.Or when he winks its priceless.
They just thouht he dont have nothing.

Fussing on Friday

I saw Jungle Book from the 40s.The scenery was so beautiful. Pretty brook and white doves flying out there nest. It made me wonder if Heaven is more beautiful than that. It must be.The set of Jungle Book  was man made and the ideas are limited to the human mind and we only can copy what we seen from God.Gods imagination is lots diferent. God is the greatest creator the best desighner. I have been dreaming about what Hes done in Heaven. My imagination is limited to what I've seen in nature. He must have an all together diferent Nature upstairs.
I feel tired all week. May be my drinking is out of  control. Even if I get myself stimulated in the head it doesnt spread to my body so I can accomplish any thing besides mandatory drugery. I havent done nothing.
I want to but I have no energy. Even 2 tea bags dont get my feet going.
A few days ago was the first time in may be a month that I went out side.
I was worried about geting vertigo on the street and maybe picked up by police. During an attack I cant explain a lot. Im to busy trying to calm myself down and get to a still lying position. I feel a little better now but I still needed a drink to go out side. I had to mail a package to a buyer from ebay. I should of wraped the package before I drank because I sent her the wrong stuff.
Im going to buy some food toady and I feel nervous about going out and having vertigo.
May be thats why Im not doing nothing. Because I been cooping myself all up and thats depressing.
I know it will take some patience but I will work on being less nervous out side.

I lost confidence with those vertigo spells. I dont want anyone seeing me crawl around when I loose my balance.
Peace and all good things to you this Friday and always.

Cloudy in the Head

I have not gotten much sleep lately. I wake up 3 or 4 times a night and stay up a few hours and try to get more sleep.
Yesterday I dusted and swept my place & keep myself busy. Its so cold I been cooking to warm up the place.
My stomache has not been feeling good and my appetite is gone till dinner time.
I stoped drinking tea. I figured I am nervous enough.
I feel slugish in the head. If you ask me some thing.It takes me 5 minutes at least to find an answer and words to express it right.Not spontaneous.
I can do barely anything. My cloths are dirty.

My ears and nose and fingers are freezing.
The hall is 53F. I put my big pot of soup out there because it wont fit in my frigerater.

I feel frustrated because I am confused.
When I was done making & eating dinner I emptied my dishes and was very surprised to see I had drunk two bottles with out noticing.
And I wondered if they where left over from the night before.

                                                                                                                                                   

Snow and Vertigo

A week or maybe more ago I was down stairs at my neighbors and petting her dog.
Every thing began spining a round.
It felt weird. And scarey.
I told the neibor I had a migraine. Its more easier to explain a migraine.
I was there helping the girl pick a dress o go to a club. When I held out the one I liked she says. I want to look slutty not daft.I said just where what you want.
Then I kneeled down to pet her dog when the room started spining a round.
Lucky I was real close to the door. The door 
All I had to do was turn the knob and crawl up the stairs but I just couldd not do it. I had this jolt of im balance that came out of no where.
Doggie knows somethings wrong. Doggie kknows me well. I bring left overs to him.
He notice I stopped petting and am struggling to find the door knob with out looking. My eyes where no use to me. I shut them.
The girl asks whats wrong? Migraine.
I am still kneeling but I find the door knob and turn it.
I feel so hot. On the stair way I take off my jaket and my sweater.Just a t shirt.I panicked.I got scared but the cool stair way helped. I held mmy head firm against the cold wall. I know the best thing is not to move my head.
When I cool off and my heart slows down I crawl slow up the 16 steps. Im praying and I only want to reach my bed. When I reach my bed I will feel safe.
Guys use to tell me they feel safe with me. Is it because Im big? I usew to wonder why they use the word safe. I should have asked.
Little by little I make my way to the bed. Once on it I stretch out.I hold my head very still. The carosel keeps going and I went to get out of it and back in to my world again where I feel safe.
I had 5 attacks of vertigo in a week. They come out of no place.Theres no warning or way to predict when it will happen.
I called the doctor but told him I cant come there so he tells me to hold my nose and blow and try to pop my ears. I try anc cant and he says I have fluid in the inner ear.
I stay in bed as much as possible. I dont drink tea or any caffeine because these can heighten the sense of im balance.
The meclizine Antivert doesnt help me. Actually makes it worse. I get blurry vision
I was feeling very depressed and non productive  and agoraphobic.
I dont want to go out and crawl on all 4s on the side walk. I dont want cops comming to ask if Im drunk .I dont want to be arrested for public drunkeness when Im not drinking but it will appear that Im drunk or drugged.I get to confused by the carosel to explain anything and I will just lie and say I have a migraine if I get questioned. I stay in the house so long Im not use to leaving any more.
Reliable hubby gets me the medicine I wrote down on a peace of paper. I want benedryl and phenylephrine. 
Thank you God it begins to work. I start having days where my ears will pop.
I make lists of stuff I need and give him the oney for. All I have eaten was Swansons broth with brown rice.I try not eating any thing with salt because it causes fluid retention and I want dry ears.
Theres less days where Im on the merry go round.
I take the medicine every 4 hours punctual. I dont like missing a single dose.
The phenylephrineis a decongestant that shrinks blood vessels in nasal passages that can cause congestion.
Phenylephrine is used to treat nasal and sinus congestion or congestion of the tubes that drain fluid from the inner ear. The Eustachian.
I got better. I still take the medicine when I feel un steady.
My ears do feel dryer.
But Saturday and Sunday I feel all recovered and walk in 3 feet of snow which is weird.I had to take out the trash but I didnt know the garbage men arent working on con of storm Nemo.
The snow is fun and I feel like a kid. A big one. I oly come in when my legs start getting numb.The snow comes up to my calfs.
I am feeling better and hopefull again.Thank you God.

The Three Cs

My visit went pretty well yesterday morning.
I was there about 3 hours. But I had the patience and composure of a lady who drank three beers and took one Ativan.
The mammagram was done first. Different machine and more painful.
The tech was training another lady who seemed to be on her first training session but I cant complain Im not paying for it. The new in experienced lady pulled in every possible direction and then pressed the paddles down to probably the limit. It hurt but it was short pain and I did want them geting a clear image. They are more suspicious of the right breast so only that one was re peated
Sat around a while until a lady came to do the ultra sound which is comfortable.
Then the doctor came and told me my breasts are very dense filled with cysts clusters and calcifications.
He said at this time he felt no need for a biopsy. But he did schedule me for another mamagram and ultr sound in six months.
Iasked him So for now I do not have cancer? And he said yes thats right.
I was much happier leaving then I was coming in.
I told the nurse the reason I became crying and hysterical on the phone the previous day was because the appointment was at The Cancer Center and I assumed I had the other c word.
So I have six months to return to my life as it was before finding the problem.
It's Friday and I thank God and I thank you for coming here with kindness and compassion.
I have prayers of thanks that so far Im healthy.knock on wood and Thanks for your kind words of support and encouragement.
Your more preshious to me then words can express and I thank God for puting on this world people like you who care.

Happening Fast and Dis Oriented

At first I didnt want to blog my health issues.
Now I almost come write immediatly of changes and updates and so forth.
I was going to delete my first entry about this. Its painful emotionally and I thoght after a few days I will erase the post and forget all about it.
Finally I called. It took 4 calls to get some facts. The 1st was a person dis interested and un helpful. The last call told me I was to return tomorrow and have a second mammogram and and ultra sound at the cancer center fourth floor of the hospital.
Not going to spare you. I cried. I screamed to God top of my lungs Help. Help me please.
So tommorrow at 9:45 I go to go thouhg 2 more xrays.
I am terrified and hope not to cry and scream as I have since the call.
Im drunk and tranquilized and extemly dis oriented.
I asked if I will get an answer then & there and she said yes.
Im surprised at myself for wriing every step of the way.
Especially since Im a coward.
Fate will tell what ever I have and need to go through.
Im keeping this very short and just an update on what is what.

Afraid

I feel trembly and clear headed.
I feel very nervous.
Im drinking tea and that was a bad choice.
Im not able to make small decisions.Little things. Like whether or not to bleach my roots. Im afraid if I do. Iwill get bad news and realie I was over confident.
I cant decide whether or not to call for my mammogram results or wait for them to call me like Im supposed to do.
Im waiting. Waiting. And waiting for the phone to ring. When it does ring I get full of alarm and my heart beat speeds up. I get afraid of answering it. If I had an idea of when they be calling. I could get a little drunk and prepared for the call.
Im really really a mess.
Im mush more composed after a few drinks. But I wanted tea for some reason and now my nerves are falling a part.
I am supposed to get a flu shot. Not scary but with so much on my mind I dont really want or care about the flu.
Saturday night at 8 I phoned ex hubby to please come and get drunk with me. I needed to separate my mind from this worry and to forget and to smile and for nothing. I needed a drinking buddy Saturday and he got drunk for me. Not because he wanted to but for my sake. It was a good night because I deliberatly made up my mind to live for the night and that alone and forget. We played our favorite songs alternating between his and mine.
Today Im so sober and reality is looking scarry.
If the test is good I will dance. And smile and play music.
If there bad I will want the peace of being alone and think and retreat in side myself and reflect. I will cry of course but eventually because I want to live I will read and make choices and under go the horrible treatment only because Im not ready to leave. 
If the results are good. I will want to commit to doing some thing good. To do some thing for the cause. I can donate some of Ebay selling to the help find a cure.
I want to light my incense and watch the smoke float around like I would like to float around. I can stare at smoke for hours when Im depressed and thinking.
I can even hold a cigarette just to watch the directions the smoke take.
Peace and happy thoughts to you.
I am going to put my make up on and get the flu shot.

Wednesday Morning

Tuesday night I drank plenty but still a woke a number of times from anxiety about the morning mammogram.
I read 10 or so pages from a Jean Harlow biography then got back to bed over & over.
At 7 I got up and had one glass of weak tea and got ready.
I read that you cant wear jewlry deoderant or perfume. I wore a loose blouse and no brazier so I wont delay the process. 
I got more and more nervous anticipating and speculating so I drank a can of Hibernater beerandtookmy migraine pill because I read this test is like slaming your breast in a refrigerater door.Which is not true btw.
One more Hibernater and my nerves where composed.
Ex hubby came and we went together.I barley said a word to ex hubby.
We got to the fan. I thouht there will be a big line of women waiting for free mammograms but there was not.
Climbing the bus stairs the bus had seats and there where 2 staffers who where extremly smiley & friendly.
I was surprised. I thought the staff will be dour and grim & serious.
I sat to fill forms for the pleasant male secretary. 
There was also a form for requests e.g requests for a free wig.
As soon as I was done a young pretty smiling lady says it was all ready. I pulled off my coat and followed her.
She told me to undress waist up and in the dressing room was a paper vest to wear.
Since she asked me to remove one side I asked her if I could just wear the vest as a cape and I put it that way till it fell and I gathered it and forgot about it.
It was no longer then 10 minutes for 2 pix of each breast and I was done. This is a new machine and saves time & pain. I felt no dis comfort at all.
She showed me one of the pix and explained my mamaries where very dense and that she did not see a problem.
She the technition said I should call the hospital and schedule an ultrasound but the guy out side said no just wait for a phone call within 48 hours.
I called any way once I got home and they said No wait for a call.
The remainder of that night I let myself forget and spent the evening happily and a little drunk.
Im very supersticious. I feel like even thinking or doing some thing wrong will affect my test in  negative way.
I know it doesnt make sense to be like this but that is what fear can do.
Im still waiting for a call. Im sure I need the ultra sound. Throuh this program even the ultra sound is free.
Im waiting still nervous.
I slept so much the past 2 days. Im not one for naps but some how could barely stay a wake  and my naps have been over an hour long. I guess stress and worry are knocking me out.
Hoping for all good things for all of us.

Where I am Now

Some days before Christmas I found  unilateral hard disks in both my mammaries.
I got through the holidays well by distraction & denial.
Wishful thinking and the fast pace of the holidays and the cooking etc allowed a little rest from over thinking and crying and speculating.
Im still terrified. Im a big baby when it comes to things like this.Like the "c" word. I stoped my tea hoping to give my head a rest and that the lack of caffeine may make the disks smaller in case they are cysyts.
I had cysts at 16. I remember a nice doctor examined me then called the hospital to schedule a mammogram. I did not go to. I was to afraid.
Throuh the years they come and go.
Ive never had a mammogram. I know that because I have palpable disks a mammogram wont be enough to determine any thing. I know already that I will need an ultrasound afterwords.I wonder why they dont do the ultrasound first in cases like mine.
A biopsy will really scare me.
I hope I can stay calm during these tests but just in case I cant Im going to have something that morning.
I have not even called to make an appointment Im that scared.
Since the time I found them the left one has gotten larger and pain full.The right one is a little bit tender now.In December they where not.
I am afraid of the treatments to.Thts one of the scariest parts is the treatment.
Im already scared of wearing some thing over my head that will look strange and that ppl will point me out and laugh at me. i was bullied in hs the short time I spent there and that ugly feeling doesnt go away easy.
All this thinking and worrying has made my head operate very clumsy. 
Hubby asked me for the scarf I washed for him.I hand it to him and then 15 minutes later I tell him by the way your scarf is washed and dry I have it for you.
This is so strong a worry in my head that Im more distracted then ever and more forgetfull. Ive been laying around and watching tv. Crying comes by out of no where.
This is my 1st morning with tea.
I dont know what my future is.I think tomorrow I will have to finally pick up that phone and call. I may need a drink just to do that.
I havent been drinking more thouh because I havent been all wired up from tea.
There was a time I would not have minded an early exit from this world but thats changed I want to be around.
I may delete this post because Im not sure if  I feel comftable about it.
I dont know how I can pay for the xrays never mind treatment if nesesary.
I keep asking ex hubby Will you be there for me?
I know that most of my boy friends could not bear with this and would be fast out of my life.
It is Sunday so I will ask God to be there for me. I think hes there for every one no matter what.
Peace and love and all blessings to all of us.

New Begininings

I looked all over for a poem an elderly lady gave me years back but cant find it. I must have stuck it ina book I dont have any more.
It went some thing like this.
Each day bring a new begining.
Each day bring us hope to the heart.
As we lift up our hearts for a rosy new start.
Remember the sun risen there.
Those are the words I remember but there where lots more.
I remember the lady who recited it to me lots during phone calls. She was sweet. She use to lock up her pasta before she left her apartment at the senior citisens building.
She said her neighbor snooped a round her window. You know I never believed heruntilI was at her kitchen table and saw the ladys face staring in the window.
It was weird.I use to visit her and bring her bananas or other sale fruit.
I came with another elderly lady and every time Clara turned her back my other lady friend looked under the table cloth.Once when Clara went to the toilet the other lady raced in to her bed room and I followed her and she was looking under the matress and covers.
She said that she was looking for a rare recipe that only Clara had. It was for cream of braciole soup.
I missed the Twilight Zone marathon this year. I was so cozy in bed when the door bell rang and it was ex hubby and his cloths that need washing.

He was not feeling good with a sore throat and cold. He said he cant get up out of bed to do his cats or roll his cigarettes.  I stayed there most of the day rolling two boxes of cigarettes and put by his bed and clean his ash trays. When my hubbies sick he gets demanding. 
He wore a holiday sweat shirt and a beaver fur collar that looked stunning on him.
He got hired at the pet store. Feeding the rabbits and mice and fish and cleaning there cages. I am happy about that. Its perfect for him. I hope he gets better before he looses the job.
My new years resolution is to take better care of my skin. When I drink so much tea it looks dehydrated  alot.
I have to take in more liquids then just tea and alcohol.
Hoping this new year will bring health and happiness and all good things and dreams realized.