Tottally Fried Up But Still Love U

I cant keep my eyes open. Im in a bad way since my love one past away.
I dont have much to say.Im not seeing my therapist  no more.He was not much help to me.
I miss the blogs I use to read.I have not been livin I been surviving.
I love the ppl who I met from blogs a lot.
I drink the first thing when I get up.
I think about how much time I get left and how to use it.I want to use it to help ppl.I wonder if I can help any body even when I cant help myself.But thas what I want to do with whats left of my time.Im not young.
I love an miss you guys.t


I Finished the Nachos I Made Last night

I hope this year is better then the last year.

I lost a very dear person at the end of last year. It was the last year I woud seee him and I did not know it. I only knew it was good bye on the last three weeks of his life.

He never sayed any thing about serious illness. I knew he was walking slower and sleeping a lot more. I use to drink beer with him untill he stoped.

Loosing him is not geting easier. It is getting harder. I still expect to see him.

When a frend called me to see how Im doing and I sad Im drunk all day and night she sayd good for you!

I deluded my self.

He realy is gone.

Why does God give you love and then take it a way? I think its so we never get tired of loving. If we all lived for ever we will be tired of each other after a while.


Born on a Blue Day

My ex hubby got me this book this week. It reminds me of a blogging virtual friend.

I been spending more and more time with real people in real life. Some of them I like being a round. Some of them iritate me and I show when I am mad. I wish I could "detach" myself from people who annoy me. The thing that bothers me is they arent sincere ppl. They are ppl who enjoy harassing/offending/bothering and making other ppl un comfortable.

I dont understand how any body can thrive on humiliating other people or making others upset. Maybe they enjoy watching my face turn purple. Or they way my mouth bends up and down as I try not to cry. They like seeing some body struggle. Good thing this type of ppl is in the minority of the ppl I ben hanging out with.

I feel the "crisis". What CBT nurses say is extremly uncomfortable and lasts only a brief time. I am not to make a crisis worse. I am to concentrate on how qucik I will feel a big relief. I will rejoice in that relief. The relief and comfort it brings once the crisis is over will make all the discomfort and angwish seem worth going thru it they say. So far I didnt expierience it yet. I feel happiness once a panick is over. I dont think it was worth the panick but cooling off after the panick is all most refreshing. Its like cold water on a sweaty hot day when Im all most past out from the heat and humidity.

I been drinking less over all. I have a beer sometimes in the morning but mostly not.

Today I am ruining the day for myself. I havent done that in months. Its such nice weather but I am feeling resentful toword my ex hubby. He has a car and woud not bring me for a ride. I am spiting him and me by drinking. I have some pills to to make my self more tired. I dont want to hear any thing or feel any thing. I want  to feel like Im a sleep with no dreams and no interuptions.

When I spite some one I know that I am really spiting me. But its not the kind of spite that does damage. Im not ruining any bodys posessions . Im not leting air out of some ones tires or throwin a rock in to a window or calling ppl names. I am ceasing the day. Not taking food off some body hunrgrys plate and putting it on mine. I am taking my self out of a day. I am liberating my self just for this one day to sleep and not feel.

Ex hubby wont even know Im trying to spite him. But I can feel the spite I cause my self today. Its a beautiful day to enjoy. Im taking that wasy from my self and feeling a little guilty about it. When you spite others you just spite your self and I know this from all my life but i dont break the bad habit. I guess I want to make my self miserable.

I am late geting my tests. But i did this on purpose. I want to get those mamograms over quick as posible so I like going when its not to hot. That way I can go with no braand no complicated un dressing. I dont like going bra less in a t shirt. I like the qucik cover up of a sweater so I been stalling but Im months over do. I have to get it over with.

I forgot to write I ben on a diet and have a waiste agen. I boil 3 tea bags of green tea. It makes me hyper with out palpations. Cola and coffee give me palpations but not green tea and I usally eat one meal a day a big one and a fruit for desert. I eat beans and anything high fiber.

Now I feel better but not good enugh to lay down and sleep yet.

I need a few moresamual Adams for that and I got them. I ran out late morning to get them.

There more strong i think then Corona.

pROLLY no one wiil read this. I got a new word. No one will read this I forget the word. Pro. Pra. Let me try concentrating. Ok ponderous. No body will read this ponderous post.Be cause no body is is interested in a fat lady with emotional/mental un balance post.
I will keep tyoping until I feel very un feeling and calm and at peace.

Im writing hnging on to nothing. No one will read this but me and that is okay because Im spilling out my guts and it matters only to me./

Im looking at how long this is and comparing it to how lang I will be fast a sleep during the day time. It is still so early but I dont care.

The more I dont carwe about things the better I will feel byut I wont feel much energy late to nofght and I weont feel so good tomorow and that means a nice day spent in bed.

I need a few more slugs and use my bath room. My bath room is the most peaceful place in my place. I got a book shelf. A cream shelf. My vaseline is on the toilet tank and its the best for my dry skin chapped hands. I have a bowl of cigarettes that I rolled at ex hubbys that I lit and watch the smoke swirl around and insence. Peach scent. Its my fave.

Since I like my bath room so much  because its so small I ouht to keep snacks in it buy Im on a diet so why bother.
I feel better and better.

My ex reads nes papers but I dont. I dont care about history.My ex hubby says I need hobbies and distractions. He gets that from looking and charming pretty girls.

PPl lways think im older then i am.

On the other hand life is some of this and some of thast.I like the tahat. Of the ppl I knowmost of them exept for 2 are just intrested in there own benefits.
Good night and sweet dreams to you an me.
Its only nrel early in the day but feels like night to me and Im happy with that


Sick lepard at the Bottom of the Pool

When we saw the spots on the big cat it was so exiting.
He looked so wild and exotic. But he was very groggy and sleepy.
The guys found him at the bottom of a pool where he was living. I didnt know cats could live under the water.
They brout him in to her the bed room. He was to sleepy to look at all of us admiring him.
He didnt notice us at all.
He is very beautiful. He sleeps a lot.


My Wealthy Friend

I visited my wealthy friend last night. I think it was about 3 or 4 in the morning.
I was surprised to see she had so manyfriends and family over her place at this hour.
She died her hair dark auborn and stoped wearing green contacts so her eyes where brown.Without the hair bleach and contacts she looked 20 years younger. I hardly recognized her.
She made some changes in her house. The main one was a brick lined underground pool. It had sparkling water cascading down beutiful flowers. Maybe even water lillies.
She had dogs relaxing in the pool. It was for them. She asked if I had gotten a dog. I said no. If I did she said I could bring him over to her pool. Dogs loved it and the theraputic effects.
She had such a crowd there I didnt get to talk with her until she was standing by the sink. She was throwing dry handfuls of rice at her cats and I asked her why? She said she was not sure but for some reason it was good for them. She said she added vanilla to the rice to.
She had a tiny preshious kitten. Five cats all together she said cause it was a good number. That is why she also had 5 dogs.
We all had trays of food on our laps. Mine got rice all over it and did not look apetizing.
She sat me beside her elderly neabor but the lady was sleepping and I was also geting tired.
I said good night to her and some of her friends then I came back home and was in my bed and wondering about the visit and I fell a sleep.



It Didnt Have To End This Way

I feel a restlessness waking up.I want to do something but not anything.Something which would tire me out.
Something  which will take all my focus and concentration.
I stretch so many times a day after I'm awake. I stretch each time as though just risen from bed.
I have energy. I want. I want. I want.
I want answers.
I want to know what time he left. What he was thinking.Why he paniced.
I didn't know him well at all. Brief conversations with a man I never saw.
When he left he took everything with him.
I guess he never went to bed that night. He just died.
By morning there was nothing left. Ashes and smoke.
His body would have been cold if he had not had himself cremated.
Did he really plan all this? Did he really think? Was he just doped and unclear? If he had made these plans sober then I feel maybe a little relieved. That this is what he truly had wanted.
Im afraid this was all haste and confusion and hysteria.
I dont know enough to understand.
It was a secret.
I wonder if his home became his prison? Why would he take it all down and disappear without a trace of ever having existed on this planet?
I really wonder about his last thoughts.. Did he know what he was doing.
I know he had a fear of Monday morning and became drunk. He paniced.
The rest is what he took away with him.
He was coherent.
I never spoke to him when he was incoherent and that is probably when he was more open about his intentions.

Good bye my friend. I wish I knew you better. I was curuious about you.You seemed so good. And kind.
I know you were misplaced and had no place to go but where you did.
I hope you are finally where you wanted to be.
With only love embracing you.


zombie birthday

Im glad ex hubby took a pic of my birthday cake. If not for the picture I never remember what it looked like. I know it tasted good.  It was stawberries and whiped cream.
I feel so slugish and shaky. I would like to stop thinking. I cant.
Some people are very cruel.
May be theres something on tv that can help me stop thinking. Get involved with something cheerful.
I had enouh ugliness for the past weeks.
Ex hubby offered a fine gift. But its his pride and sympathy offering.
He dont have the money but to refuse him hurts his pride.


good night and sweet dreams and ll wonderful things to you

Next month is my tests.
I will :
try extremly hard to be as cheerful as possible
if  results are bad. I will plan a way on staying alone at home as much as possible
I will try to be self reliant.Independant.
I will find reasons to smile
I will find reasons to make myself laugh
I will keep aware that God loves me
I will keep distracted
I will stay away from other people
I will hide as much as possible
I will not scare or depress others if all goes really bad
I will try my hardest 
I will accept myself but not expect others to accept me.
Thanks all for being the best online buddies as possible



I stoped spending money because Im worried about July.I am worried about the tests for the c word. Still a big fat babywhen it comes to that word and that idea and knowing the tests are due so soon.
I kept myself pretty happy.
Im geting moe worried and nervous now.
But since January when I went for the tests and they gave me this appointment six months away. I breathed. I didnt think about it much. I wanted to have some care free time. Happy time.
I will get back into concentrating on smiling and lauhing.
I drink more green tea. I eat garlic. I cut down on all exept 2 junk foods.I only eat pretzels and  Fritos.
Im ot spending so that if I am in dispair in July i will have some money for spending on things that can make me feel happy even temporary happiness is better then nothing.
On a lighter subject I have planted some tomatoes and herbs and maybe I will get more veggie plants if the garden works out.
What else.Im thinking?
My sleep is improving. I feel tired out after so much green tea. I dont know if that is what makes me tired. May be I wear myself out with the tea? I stop drinking tea at 3:00. Sometimes earlier if Im real hyper.
Today ex hubby is bringing me all his whites to wash. Its nice that he sorted out the colors for me because my place is a mess when I have to seperate the colors from the whites and I have his clothes all over.
My fish are doing good.


When People say You Have Nothing

I hear this so much.You dont have anything. or behind my back she does not have anything.
I think to much when I hear that. I dont think any one else can tell if you have lots or little. When I feel happy and loose and at ease and confident. I think I have much more then ppl who like to say that.
I have a valuble new day and freedom to do any thing I like with it.
If I dont feel I can serve a purpose I feel like I have nothing. That is when I feel poor.
Being surounded by antiques or fine paintings woud not do anything to make me feel a void is feeled or feel rich.
I will feel like if I had lots of expensive posessions that I done nothing to deserve them. I would lie to myself and think I am worth as much as the dollar value of these things.
When I got married ppl said my hubby had nothing. They dont know he has a great sence of humor. He has a charm when his face is all lit up with his smile.Or when he winks its priceless.
They just thouht he dont have nothing.

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