Fraidy Cat

Im very nervous and upset.

I wish I had more friends.

One friend she was a good friend who moved states away told me You dont need friends.You need the law.

There is a couple who live near my building. 

They are loud and cuss loud enouh for the whole neighborhood.

I get head aches when Im stressed out.
There was a little arguing today.I was composed until I shut the door and fell a part. For the moment its behind me.
Tomorrow it may be a head of me.Again.
I love when the awful parts of life are over with.
If we could all get the awfulness out & over with on a day where energetic. And look forward to all the peacefull tomorrows.

More often then not I have a cowards approach. No. Its not an approach at all if Im hiding.

I avoid problems.Or I get boozed up and sleep.

I have never found the courage to resolve deep big problems.

I will coop in my apartment until there gone.

So my freedom depends on the where abouts of these people.

Im intimidated by them. I am afraid of there threats. I wont call the police because it can make matters worse.

Im not moving again. They follow me any way.

My ex hubby is very afraid of this couple.I cant turn to him for help.

Part of the couple is actully one of my sisters. The bossiest.

I know how menacing and vindictive she is.

She knifed my exs tires after she was trying to get me in to trouble.

There she is. I made her smaller and less threatening.Ha! If I could do that in my head when I look at her I will be all set.

I use to welcome her at my old apt living with ex hubby.

She punched holes in the wall while we was out.

I  would not tell the land lord the truth. He is no nonsense.

I told him I did it. My ex hubby help me mesh and patch the holes. Then we got evicted.

I dont want more trouble.I want peace and happiness.

Do I have some thing my sister wants? What it seems like she wants to destroy me.

When she was in and out of prison. I never bailed her out. I dint have the money but if I did I would not.

5 yrs ago or so she was diagnosed with drug induced Schizophrenic affective disorder.

I cried.For a little time I felt that now I can understand her antagonism.She was not well. 
I took the diagnosis tragicly. I wished I could hold her and make her well.

She took the diagnosis real well.She was happy to get more money then just state welfare. For months until her disability was granted she was a model patient.Taking the medication and all that.

Her personality was always intimidating.She likes controlling people. I dont think these are a part of the illness. I think there just herself.

I never met  a nother soul who is as cruel as her exept my mom.

As soon as she got disability she stopped the medication and stopped seeing the doctors.

She was back on cocaine and diet pills and  every thing she gets her hands on.

She is the part of my life I want to forget about but cant.

I want to forgive but cant.Because her terms are irrational.

If only I move to a nother state and she does not find me.May be some day. But Im no where near close to a move.

She bullied me all the while we lived with our parents. She loved harassing my friends so that I had none left from school.

She is not well and I should still have the compassion I had when they diagnosed her.. I dont.Its so hard to compassion some one who makes daily life hell. Who gets rushes from creating havoc and joy from watching you cry. In fact I been crying days now. My eyes are so puffed its painfull keeping them open.

People say casual hang in there. I been hanging a life time and only let go completely once.

People can talk about the law. She has the law on her side.

She use to borrow my compact to powder her shine.While using it I would hear the familiar clicking sound before she handed me a compact with a broken mirror and powder falling out. I lost may be 20 compacts this way. 

She drove earlier then me.I got my licence late in life. I took the car to her place and invited her fora spin. Where ever she wanted to go I said happily. She wanted the ice cream parlor.Strange she sat in the back seat and not with me. I get home and find ice cream all over the seat all over the windows.

She may never even have licked the ice cream but she sure as hell licked me a long long time ago.

God give me a little scrap of what they call peace. Just a little and I can stretch it a long way.