Where do thoughts fall a sleep?

I had a very vivid dream and it was one of the craziest I ever had.

I was in a mandatory clinic. There where 5-6 of us chosen to under go plastic surgery.

In the dream I felt aprehensive about this.

One of the patients was a pretty girl from elementary school and I thouht why is she here?

We where examined and each of us was told what there surgery will be.

I was thinking I must be in the belly tuck category.

No. That was not it.

My pretty school friends was given a red painted mouth and she looked only a little different then before.

Another guy had a nose job which made his nose bulge in the middle.

One guy got high and arched eye brows where before they where straight and low.

And I was sitting at a mirror watching my surgeoun operate on not my belly fat but my eyes.

She was moving my eyes from at the sides to close by the nose and even side by side with no room in the middle.

I was very uncomfortable and could not see well as she did this,I wanted too say some thing but it was mandatory and I felt power less.

Finally all of us where returned to a recovery room.

The patients where taken off the wheel chairs and put on a table.

The nurses held the patient down with blankets.

This was more unbearable then the surgery.

We had to lie on a bed with our heads surrounded by 3-4 jets blasting some chemical by our ears.

Some of the patients began screaming and the nurses held them more firmly to the bed.

I got all worked up and woke up wondering why my sub consious was thinking about stuff like this.

Sandy is a Slow Rider

I got candles and snacks and a couple bottles of wine and other drinks. It looks like Im going to have company.

Sandy is a slow travelin gal. She makes you wait.Unlike hurricanes that speed by rapidly while touching some parts in there path and mercifully ignoring others. Sandy is a tease. 

The winds whipping through the trees wildly.Very little rain so far. Shes due to charge up in an hour and creep along through tommorow. Shes in no hurry and keeps you under her spell. Shes a category 1 but she may not let that spoil her fun.

Peace of Water

I got three fish tanks when I passed a tag sale as it closed up. As long as I could take them away.

One had cracks all over the edges and I thouht with some silicone I could fix it up but when I found chips of glass in the tank while I was washing it I changed my mind.I was lcky to see the broken chips and not cut my hands on them.

The  one Im using has 3 live plants and 2 plastic ones. I got 2 spotted Raphaels and a  red chiclid.and an orange one.

I got the Raphaels on Ebay.They came in 3 bags with a pocket hand warmer in a box.

When they feel threatened they make the spines all over there bodys rigid and protruding.This is there defense against a predator.

They are nocturnal and swim around in the dark.

I use to have brackish water fish.Scats puffers and monos. When Im done  the sounds and fish will be calming.

Im not sure what to do with the other 30 gallon tank.May be an oranda.

If Im Hungover tomorrow It be Worth It

How much can change in 24 hours.

tomorrow is now today.
Yesterday still yesterday and I drank quite a bit after a confrontation including my sister and her bf and also with my brother.

I woke up feeling very fresh. No sign of any drinking. I did over sleep but a woke with energy and purpose and no unhappiness at all.

I got dressed and took a long walk in the cool breezy fresh air and before I got hot the cool air evaporated any perspiration.
I met my ex hubby who whore a big smile and I felt like part of the leaves blowing around.

Sunday was not spoiled after all.

Give a little and take a little

Remember Guess whos coming to dinner? Im trying to remember the words to the theme song.

I love any movie with Sidney Poutier in it.I had a crush on him since child hood.

Hes always so cool calm  and collected even when hes real angry.Perfect gentleman.

I dont want to gush all about him.

Its Friday.The day I do a soul search check list.

1 morale boosted check

2 out of self pity mode check

3 inspiration check    etc

I have my list completed.

Until yesturday I spent to much time in doors because my sister and her bf have spent so much time in my neighborhood.

I was living like a vampire.I only go out after dark when I know shes home.Below the coast is clear.No sister in sight and I get to hug the telephone pole!

My ex hubbys birthday is next month and it was looking like all I could give is a hug and a kiss.Or clean his apartment to a high shine.

I wanted to get him a hoody and a cake and his fave fish and its looking like I will be able to.

Finally some body bouht a pearl set of earings a bracelet and choker. So I have money and the freedom to give him the material gifts I was hopeing to.

I love that little luxury of be able to buy some thing for some one.I will give him his birthday hug and I will get his apartment so clean he wont recognize it.

The smile on his face is my motivation and his happiness will pass on to me.

Oh happy day it is.The person on Ebay says on Monday I cant pay you till friday.Im laid up in the hospital.I told him no probs its fine get well soon.

Just as he promised I have the money! The freedom. The gift of being able to give.

Its funny what you can do with a happy heart.

Happy Friday and happy weekend

I am Ian Andersons bigest fans.Not loyalty wise.Size wise.His smile makes me happy and entranced. My speakers are broke so I cant hear this happy little song.

Fraidy Cat

Im very nervous and upset.

I wish I had more friends.

One friend she was a good friend who moved states away told me You dont need friends.You need the law.

There is a couple who live near my building. 

They are loud and cuss loud enouh for the whole neighborhood.

I get head aches when Im stressed out.
There was a little arguing today.I was composed until I shut the door and fell a part. For the moment its behind me.
Tomorrow it may be a head of me.Again.
I love when the awful parts of life are over with.
If we could all get the awfulness out & over with on a day where energetic. And look forward to all the peacefull tomorrows.

More often then not I have a cowards approach. No. Its not an approach at all if Im hiding.

I avoid problems.Or I get boozed up and sleep.

I have never found the courage to resolve deep big problems.

I will coop in my apartment until there gone.

So my freedom depends on the where abouts of these people.

Im intimidated by them. I am afraid of there threats. I wont call the police because it can make matters worse.

Im not moving again. They follow me any way.

My ex hubby is very afraid of this couple.I cant turn to him for help.

Part of the couple is actully one of my sisters. The bossiest.

I know how menacing and vindictive she is.

She knifed my exs tires after she was trying to get me in to trouble.

There she is. I made her smaller and less threatening.Ha! If I could do that in my head when I look at her I will be all set.

I use to welcome her at my old apt living with ex hubby.

She punched holes in the wall while we was out.

I  would not tell the land lord the truth. He is no nonsense.

I told him I did it. My ex hubby help me mesh and patch the holes. Then we got evicted.

I dont want more trouble.I want peace and happiness.

Do I have some thing my sister wants? What it seems like she wants to destroy me.

When she was in and out of prison. I never bailed her out. I dint have the money but if I did I would not.

5 yrs ago or so she was diagnosed with drug induced Schizophrenic affective disorder.

I cried.For a little time I felt that now I can understand her antagonism.She was not well. 
I took the diagnosis tragicly. I wished I could hold her and make her well.

She took the diagnosis real well.She was happy to get more money then just state welfare. For months until her disability was granted she was a model patient.Taking the medication and all that.

Her personality was always intimidating.She likes controlling people. I dont think these are a part of the illness. I think there just herself.

I never met  a nother soul who is as cruel as her exept my mom.

As soon as she got disability she stopped the medication and stopped seeing the doctors.

She was back on cocaine and diet pills and  every thing she gets her hands on.

She is the part of my life I want to forget about but cant.

I want to forgive but cant.Because her terms are irrational.

If only I move to a nother state and she does not find me.May be some day. But Im no where near close to a move.

She bullied me all the while we lived with our parents. She loved harassing my friends so that I had none left from school.

She is not well and I should still have the compassion I had when they diagnosed her.. I dont.Its so hard to compassion some one who makes daily life hell. Who gets rushes from creating havoc and joy from watching you cry. In fact I been crying days now. My eyes are so puffed its painfull keeping them open.

People say casual hang in there. I been hanging a life time and only let go completely once.

People can talk about the law. She has the law on her side.

She use to borrow my compact to powder her shine.While using it I would hear the familiar clicking sound before she handed me a compact with a broken mirror and powder falling out. I lost may be 20 compacts this way. 

She drove earlier then me.I got my licence late in life. I took the car to her place and invited her fora spin. Where ever she wanted to go I said happily. She wanted the ice cream parlor.Strange she sat in the back seat and not with me. I get home and find ice cream all over the seat all over the windows.

She may never even have licked the ice cream but she sure as hell licked me a long long time ago.

God give me a little scrap of what they call peace. Just a little and I can stretch it a long way.

I Love my Ex Hubby in a Friendly Way

My ex hubby asked me to roll  up some cigarettes for him. He gets bad coughs and pokes a dozen holes in the filters. It helps him with his cough.If not for the holes he cant smoke.

Ex hubby cant do one thing at a time.Hes very nervous.

I just got back from ex hubby picking up a bag of socks to wash.

This is his cigarette roller. He was smoking cigars but the price is flying and he thinks its much harsher to inhale.

I think I might of lost a little weight. 

My laundry is piling up.Some of us in the building have washers and dryers but not all of us.

One lady had a little business on the side.She was taking laundry and washing and drying it from her apartment. The land lord found out and he started charging her some thing for the water bill.

Our land lord pays for water not electricity.He pays for the heat to.Any way that ended her little business.

One thing for sure is when she washed the cloths they came out better.

My ex hubby is havng money troubles again and Im soaking and washing his socks and under wear.I told him just small stuff that I can soak and rinse and wring by hand with out making a big water bill. I dry it where ever theres room. From drawers and door knobs.

I have been drinking right and I feel good about myself.

Tommorow is a nother day.