My visit went pretty well yesterday morning.
I was there about 3 hours. But I had the patience and composure of a lady who drank three beers and took one Ativan.
The mammagram was done first. Different machine and more painful.
The tech was training another lady who seemed to be on her first training session but I cant complain Im not paying for it. The new in experienced lady pulled in every possible direction and then pressed the paddles down to probably the limit. It hurt but it was short pain and I did want them geting a clear image. They are more suspicious of the right breast so only that one was re peated
Sat around a while until a lady came to do the ultra sound which is comfortable.
Then the doctor came and told me my breasts are very dense filled with cysts clusters and calcifications.
He said at this time he felt no need for a biopsy. But he did schedule me for another mamagram and ultr sound in six months.
Iasked him So for now I do not have cancer? And he said yes thats right.
I was much happier leaving then I was coming in.
I told the nurse the reason I became crying and hysterical on the phone the previous day was because the appointment was at The Cancer Center and I assumed I had the other c word.
So I have six months to return to my life as it was before finding the problem.
It's Friday and I thank God and I thank you for coming here with kindness and compassion.
I have prayers of thanks that so far Im healthy.knock on wood and Thanks for your kind words of support and encouragement.
Your more preshious to me then words can express and I thank God for puting on this world people like you who care.
At first I didnt want to blog my health issues.
Now I almost come write immediatly of changes and updates and so forth.
I was going to delete my first entry about this. Its painful emotionally and I thoght after a few days I will erase the post and forget all about it.
Finally I called. It took 4 calls to get some facts. The 1st was a person dis interested and un helpful. The last call told me I was to return tomorrow and have a second mammogram and and ultra sound at the cancer center fourth floor of the hospital.
Not going to spare you. I cried. I screamed to God top of my lungs Help. Help me please.
So tommorrow at 9:45 I go to go thouhg 2 more xrays.
I am terrified and hope not to cry and scream as I have since the call.
Im drunk and tranquilized and extemly dis oriented.
I asked if I will get an answer then & there and she said yes.
Im surprised at myself for wriing every step of the way.
Especially since Im a coward.
Fate will tell what ever I have and need to go through.
Im keeping this very short and just an update on what is what.
I feel trembly and clear headed.
I feel very nervous.
Im drinking tea and that was a bad choice.
Im not able to make small decisions.Little things. Like whether or not to bleach my roots. Im afraid if I do. Iwill get bad news and realie I was over confident.
I cant decide whether or not to call for my mammogram results or wait for them to call me like Im supposed to do.
Im waiting. Waiting. And waiting for the phone to ring. When it does ring I get full of alarm and my heart beat speeds up. I get afraid of answering it. If I had an idea of when they be calling. I could get a little drunk and prepared for the call.
Im really really a mess.
Im mush more composed after a few drinks. But I wanted tea for some reason and now my nerves are falling a part.
I am supposed to get a flu shot. Not scary but with so much on my mind I dont really want or care about the flu.
Saturday night at 8 I phoned ex hubby to please come and get drunk with me. I needed to separate my mind from this worry and to forget and to smile and for nothing. I needed a drinking buddy Saturday and he got drunk for me. Not because he wanted to but for my sake. It was a good night because I deliberatly made up my mind to live for the night and that alone and forget. We played our favorite songs alternating between his and mine.
Today Im so sober and reality is looking scarry.
If the test is good I will dance. And smile and play music.
If there bad I will want the peace of being alone and think and retreat in side myself and reflect. I will cry of course but eventually because I want to live I will read and make choices and under go the horrible treatment only because Im not ready to leave.
If the results are good. I will want to commit to doing some thing good. To do some thing for the cause. I can donate some of Ebay selling to the help find a cure.
I want to light my incense and watch the smoke float around like I would like to float around. I can stare at smoke for hours when Im depressed and thinking.
I can even hold a cigarette just to watch the directions the smoke take.
Peace and happy thoughts to you.
I am going to put my make up on and get the flu shot.
Tuesday night I drank plenty but still a woke a number of times from anxiety about the morning mammogram.
I read 10 or so pages from a Jean Harlow biography then got back to bed over & over.
At 7 I got up and had one glass of weak tea and got ready.
I read that you cant wear jewlry deoderant or perfume. I wore a loose blouse and no brazier so I wont delay the process.
I got more and more nervous anticipating and speculating so I drank a can of Hibernater beerandtookmy migraine pill because I read this test is like slaming your breast in a refrigerater door.Which is not true btw.
One more Hibernater and my nerves where composed.
Ex hubby came and we went together.I barley said a word to ex hubby.
We got to the fan. I thouht there will be a big line of women waiting for free mammograms but there was not.
Climbing the bus stairs the bus had seats and there where 2 staffers who where extremly smiley & friendly.
I was surprised. I thought the staff will be dour and grim & serious.
I sat to fill forms for the pleasant male secretary.
There was also a form for requests e.g requests for a free wig.
As soon as I was done a young pretty smiling lady says it was all ready. I pulled off my coat and followed her.
She told me to undress waist up and in the dressing room was a paper vest to wear.
Since she asked me to remove one side I asked her if I could just wear the vest as a cape and I put it that way till it fell and I gathered it and forgot about it.
It was no longer then 10 minutes for 2 pix of each breast and I was done. This is a new machine and saves time & pain. I felt no dis comfort at all.
She showed me one of the pix and explained my mamaries where very dense and that she did not see a problem.
She the technition said I should call the hospital and schedule an ultrasound but the guy out side said no just wait for a phone call within 48 hours.
I called any way once I got home and they said No wait for a call.
The remainder of that night I let myself forget and spent the evening happily and a little drunk.
Im very supersticious. I feel like even thinking or doing some thing wrong will affect my test in negative way.
I know it doesnt make sense to be like this but that is what fear can do.
Im still waiting for a call. Im sure I need the ultra sound. Throuh this program even the ultra sound is free.
Im waiting still nervous.
I slept so much the past 2 days. Im not one for naps but some how could barely stay a wake and my naps have been over an hour long. I guess stress and worry are knocking me out.
Hoping for all good things for all of us.
Some days before Christmas I found unilateral hard disks in both my mammaries.
I got through the holidays well by distraction & denial.
Wishful thinking and the fast pace of the holidays and the cooking etc allowed a little rest from over thinking and crying and speculating.
Im still terrified. Im a big baby when it comes to things like this.Like the "c" word. I stoped my tea hoping to give my head a rest and that the lack of caffeine may make the disks smaller in case they are cysyts.
I had cysts at 16. I remember a nice doctor examined me then called the hospital to schedule a mammogram. I did not go to. I was to afraid.
Throuh the years they come and go.
Ive never had a mammogram. I know that because I have palpable disks a mammogram wont be enough to determine any thing. I know already that I will need an ultrasound afterwords.I wonder why they dont do the ultrasound first in cases like mine.
A biopsy will really scare me.
I hope I can stay calm during these tests but just in case I cant Im going to have something that morning.
I have not even called to make an appointment Im that scared.
Since the time I found them the left one has gotten larger and pain full.The right one is a little bit tender now.In December they where not.
I am afraid of the treatments to.Thts one of the scariest parts is the treatment.
Im already scared of wearing some thing over my head that will look strange and that ppl will point me out and laugh at me. i was bullied in hs the short time I spent there and that ugly feeling doesnt go away easy.
All this thinking and worrying has made my head operate very clumsy.
Hubby asked me for the scarf I washed for him.I hand it to him and then 15 minutes later I tell him by the way your scarf is washed and dry I have it for you.
This is so strong a worry in my head that Im more distracted then ever and more forgetfull. Ive been laying around and watching tv. Crying comes by out of no where.
This is my 1st morning with tea.
I dont know what my future is.I think tomorrow I will have to finally pick up that phone and call. I may need a drink just to do that.
I havent been drinking more thouh because I havent been all wired up from tea.
There was a time I would not have minded an early exit from this world but thats changed I want to be around.
I may delete this post because Im not sure if I feel comftable about it.
I dont know how I can pay for the xrays never mind treatment if nesesary.
I keep asking ex hubby Will you be there for me?
I know that most of my boy friends could not bear with this and would be fast out of my life.
It is Sunday so I will ask God to be there for me. I think hes there for every one no matter what.
Peace and love and all blessings to all of us.
I looked all over for a poem an elderly lady gave me years back but cant find it. I must have stuck it ina book I dont have any more.
It went some thing like this.
Each day bring a new begining.
Each day bring us hope to the heart.
As we lift up our hearts for a rosy new start.
Remember the sun risen there.
Those are the words I remember but there where lots more.
I remember the lady who recited it to me lots during phone calls. She was sweet. She use to lock up her pasta before she left her apartment at the senior citisens building.
She said her neighbor snooped a round her window. You know I never believed heruntilI was at her kitchen table and saw the ladys face staring in the window.
It was weird.I use to visit her and bring her bananas or other sale fruit.
I came with another elderly lady and every time Clara turned her back my other lady friend looked under the table cloth.Once when Clara went to the toilet the other lady raced in to her bed room and I followed her and she was looking under the matress and covers.
She said that she was looking for a rare recipe that only Clara had. It was for cream of braciole soup.
I missed the Twilight Zone marathon this year. I was so cozy in bed when the door bell rang and it was ex hubby and his cloths that need washing.
He was not feeling good with a sore throat and cold. He said he cant get up out of bed to do his cats or roll his cigarettes. I stayed there most of the day rolling two boxes of cigarettes and put by his bed and clean his ash trays. When my hubbies sick he gets demanding.
He wore a holiday sweat shirt and a beaver fur collar that looked stunning on him.
He got hired at the pet store. Feeding the rabbits and mice and fish and cleaning there cages. I am happy about that. Its perfect for him. I hope he gets better before he looses the job.
My new years resolution is to take better care of my skin. When I drink so much tea it looks dehydrated alot.
I have to take in more liquids then just tea and alcohol.
Hoping this new year will bring health and happiness and all good things and dreams realized.
