I feel trembly and clear headed.
I feel very nervous.
Im drinking tea and that was a bad choice.
Im not able to make small decisions.Little things. Like whether or not to bleach my roots. Im afraid if I do. Iwill get bad news and realie I was over confident.
I cant decide whether or not to call for my mammogram results or wait for them to call me like Im supposed to do.
Im waiting. Waiting. And waiting for the phone to ring. When it does ring I get full of alarm and my heart beat speeds up. I get afraid of answering it. If I had an idea of when they be calling. I could get a little drunk and prepared for the call.
Im really really a mess.
Im mush more composed after a few drinks. But I wanted tea for some reason and now my nerves are falling a part.
I am supposed to get a flu shot. Not scary but with so much on my mind I dont really want or care about the flu.
Saturday night at 8 I phoned ex hubby to please come and get drunk with me. I needed to separate my mind from this worry and to forget and to smile and for nothing. I needed a drinking buddy Saturday and he got drunk for me. Not because he wanted to but for my sake. It was a good night because I deliberatly made up my mind to live for the night and that alone and forget. We played our favorite songs alternating between his and mine.
Today Im so sober and reality is looking scarry.
If the test is good I will dance. And smile and play music.
If there bad I will want the peace of being alone and think and retreat in side myself and reflect. I will cry of course but eventually because I want to live I will read and make choices and under go the horrible treatment only because Im not ready to leave.
If the results are good. I will want to commit to doing some thing good. To do some thing for the cause. I can donate some of Ebay selling to the help find a cure.
I want to light my incense and watch the smoke float around like I would like to float around. I can stare at smoke for hours when Im depressed and thinking.
I can even hold a cigarette just to watch the directions the smoke take.
Peace and happy thoughts to you.
I am going to put my make up on and get the flu shot.
5 comments:
Valium helps with severe nerves ... if you can get it. Otherwise deep breathing and hot baths. Sorry I can't recommend anything more exciting...
ukh i'm about to get logged out automatically hence the boring comments
nuts and raisins XxXxXxX
Oh hello my dear. I advise alcohol and lots of it. And make sure you don't do what I did last time I'd an important call coming ~ sat on my phone wrong and switched it off!
Oh dear me I must go. The parrot is trying to force its way out through our new cat flap (it pecked the old one off, remember? And flew back and forth clutching it in its feet, bashing my sister over the head each time it passed...)
No I really cannot be having this. It's pecking away at the back door now and I can't have any more holes in the house. Last time that idiot bird got out it sat in the pear tree swearing nonstop all day and I nearly got arrested for it. If that bastard thing does get out, I'm borrowing next door's handgun to shoot the bastard thing dead!
No news? I'd just ring them up anyway. It's better than living on the edge of panic. Also you might hear a reassuring voice. If you really need someone to talk to you could ring a telephone helpline ...? Just an idea. Sorry, I hope I'm not making too much of a big deal here, but I think that's what I'd do... take care
strawberries and raspberries ;-)
xXxXxXx
I want to thank you Old Mother and Gledwood for the kindness and support.Xoxox
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