Some days before Christmas I found unilateral hard disks in both my mammaries.
I got through the holidays well by distraction & denial.
Wishful thinking and the fast pace of the holidays and the cooking etc allowed a little rest from over thinking and crying and speculating.
Im still terrified. Im a big baby when it comes to things like this.Like the "c" word. I stoped my tea hoping to give my head a rest and that the lack of caffeine may make the disks smaller in case they are cysyts.
I had cysts at 16. I remember a nice doctor examined me then called the hospital to schedule a mammogram. I did not go to. I was to afraid.
Throuh the years they come and go.
Ive never had a mammogram. I know that because I have palpable disks a mammogram wont be enough to determine any thing. I know already that I will need an ultrasound afterwords.I wonder why they dont do the ultrasound first in cases like mine.
A biopsy will really scare me.
I hope I can stay calm during these tests but just in case I cant Im going to have something that morning.
I have not even called to make an appointment Im that scared.
Since the time I found them the left one has gotten larger and pain full.The right one is a little bit tender now.In December they where not.
I am afraid of the treatments to.Thts one of the scariest parts is the treatment.
Im already scared of wearing some thing over my head that will look strange and that ppl will point me out and laugh at me. i was bullied in hs the short time I spent there and that ugly feeling doesnt go away easy.
All this thinking and worrying has made my head operate very clumsy.
Hubby asked me for the scarf I washed for him.I hand it to him and then 15 minutes later I tell him by the way your scarf is washed and dry I have it for you.
This is so strong a worry in my head that Im more distracted then ever and more forgetfull. Ive been laying around and watching tv. Crying comes by out of no where.
This is my 1st morning with tea.
I dont know what my future is.I think tomorrow I will have to finally pick up that phone and call. I may need a drink just to do that.
I havent been drinking more thouh because I havent been all wired up from tea.
There was a time I would not have minded an early exit from this world but thats changed I want to be around.
I may delete this post because Im not sure if I feel comftable about it.
I dont know how I can pay for the xrays never mind treatment if nesesary.
I keep asking ex hubby Will you be there for me?
I know that most of my boy friends could not bear with this and would be fast out of my life.
It is Sunday so I will ask God to be there for me. I think hes there for every one no matter what.
Peace and love and all blessings to all of us.
8 comments:
Hi Bev . . . I know it's easy for me to say don't worry and of course you will need to go and have these lumps checked out . . . BUT, But, but . . .
If they are painful, they are less likely to be anything "nasty". Also the fact that they are in both breasts would signify nothing too nasty, other than that you are prone to cysts or swollen glands in that area. If you have had these symptons on and off over the years Bev, it's more likely the same thing as before. I know all the reassurance in the world wont stop you worrying . . . The only thing that will, is to see a Doctor and get your mind put at ease.
When you've had these lumps before did they last this long or disappear more quickly?
Please go and see your Dr Bev and try not to worry, although \i know that's impossible. Your Ex hubby is a good friend and he could come to the Dr with you maybe? do it sooner rather than later, then you will spend less time worrying . . . please?
And please let us know what happens. I honestly do think these are cysts or blocked glands, which still need to be checked out.
Sending you love, strength and all good things. If I were nearer I would come with you. I'll be there in spirit x x x
YOU'LL BE FINE DARLING.
I had a lumpy piece of gristle on the left side and swelling and they had to do an x-ray but he says it's ideopathic swelling which means they don't know what caused it.
I haven't been online for a couple of days so I only just found this.
DON'T WORRY DARLIN' YOU'LL BE OK. I CAN FEEL IT IN MY WATERS!
Thank you Bugerluvs I do feel re assurance by your message and I did call for appt.
I looked up free mamma grams in my area and I saw a site where a van parks and they offer it to low income ppl.
I didnt even drink like I thouht I would need to.
So you did en courage me Bugerluvs.Thank you so much.
XoXo
Thank you Gledwood.
I have confidence in your feeling.
I am a pessimist.Always been like that.
You know the saying where while one person sees a half empty glass & the other half full while the 3rd guy is busy drinking it.I think the 3rd one is the most efficient thinker.
My head is zig zaging and I am probly making no sense but I want to Thank you Gledwood for coming with assurance.
Thanks to both of you and I keep you in my prayers.XoXo
Hang on Beverly, if it's in both of them it's hardly likely to be what I know you're most worried about.
Thank you Gledwood.
I had the mamma gram today.A couple beers helped me get through it with out geting to over emotional.The technition said I will probably need a ultra sound 7 that will be free to. Im glad it is free cause worrying about the bad c and money to would be to much for me.
Thanks again & kisses and hugs Hot choclate hugsXoXo
It won't be anything really bad if it's on both of them I guarantee you. It cannot spread that fast, it just can't and it wouldn't start out on both sides. You know what I'm talking about I dare not say the word. Post up your news. Go on! About the mammogram and was it horrible, was the nurse weird or whacky or did she look like an old witch etc etc. That type of stuff.
O ps PLEASE come and leave some comments and mine NOBODY HAS SAID ANYTHING I DON'T KNOW WHY UGH I HAVE TO GO RUNNING OUT OF TIME
XXXXXXX ~ STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE FLAVOUR
PS DO YOU LOVE MY YUMMY BRITISH SPELLING OF "FLAVOUR"
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Thanks Gledwood.
I will write about the test.
Yes I like your yummy British spelling!Hugs & KisessXoXo
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