I slept yesterday on and off.I felt very sick with nausha and trots because i did not eat anything or drink exept wine.I felt disgusted with my self.Just before I returned to my bed the last time my door bell rang.I wanted to be alone in my pity party.I did not want other partyers.There was not partyers at the door.It was ex hubby and his pals.The same old faces I see with him all the time.I got hurt even thouh I was drunk and sleepy.
One of ex friends grabbed my belly which I dont like.I dont like it becuase he should not touch me esp when I dont touch him.Then came the words Im so use to.
He said how soft and blubbery my belly is.I hered this for years from this guy.He teases me about my weight.If he told me this all the time for my health I will apreciate it.But he does not.He knows it upsets me.
I told him again for the billionthed time Im not changing myself for him that he is not close or important to me.
I must have been lyeing.It does hurt me.If hes concerned for my health I will apreciate that he cares.But I know by now that he dont care.He wants me to feel awful about myself and to not like myself and it worked last night.Usally I let it go in 1 ear and out the other but I was already sad and drunk and tired and I went to bed for the 4th or 5th time sad and bothered about his words.
I dont judge by looks I judge by a persons warmth or coldness.I usually feel there temperture after a short time.Some times ppl are warm and kind but some times there cold and hurtfull.
It is past the weekend and Im still in depression.Im still drinking since morning because I feel less then a woman.I feel like every body judges by looks and it makes me want to hide myself.
He calls me The Girth Monster
I hope tomorow I will not need to be drunk or a sleep.I hope I can be my self and happy again by what I am.
I never said to them that I am a beuty.So why do they take my confidence away when I need it so bad.
I been listning to the Doors.I listen to them a couple times a year to my pity partys.
I know I am a big girl.I know I love eating but Im not changing that for some one who makes me feel like slime out of the gutter.I will rather stay in the gutter and be happy with my self then be made fun of. On the other hand I can and do feel good about myself but never when my nose is rubbed in the poo.
I will be right back my glass needs a refill and I need it.
Only times like this Im glad I got nobody who needs me.I love kids and animals but when I get drunk in the daytime Im happy Im not neglecting anyone.But if i did have an anker in this life I know it will help me live happy and fufill there needs and not my own selfish needs.
When I was in teen years my parents had all my parts removed from my body that I can yous to reproduce.I felt empty about it when they explained to me.I also felt very betraded because they never asked me my opinion.I always loved babies and been babysitter to my neigbors lots.
It was russhing to find out I can never have a baby because they are the ankers of life.If I had 1 that will make me feel I am passing some thing wonderful to the earth even when my time comes I know theres a place on earth where my baby continues life and may be has his or her own.
I think the cruelest thing a parent can do is take aways the rite to extend family.
I wish I had best friends but ppl in my town know my history and they dont always want to be bothered with me.I have forgiven 100% but I cant forget some thing like this.May be it could be me and my child against the world but its only me against it.
Im so sorry to bring out all this stuff and it comes out freeley when Im drunk.
God forgive my parents for bad choises.I hope there in Heven despite this.
I dont understand thogh why did my mother have childeren 7 of them and not let me have even 1.Yep, cheese Im in full pity party mood.But when they made this choise may be they were afraid I cant be a responsable parent.I dont know .I only know it makes a pain in my soul that I cant explain or understand myself.
I did not want Donna Reed or who ever to be my parents I just wanted to be able to be a parent myself.
Its spilt milk but it still hurst and painful.I never talk about this to daily life.I just trust to talk about it with ppl that dont spread rumors about it.
May be tomorrow I will feel like me again.Now I just feel like a drunk woman whose missing her whole life because desisions where made without me.
I just want to be closer to God because he is more important and His ideas and judgement are so much wiser then mine.Oh Cheese.I typed in almost ab book about sadnes.Im okay and dont worry about me please!
Im tougfer ten I seem to be.
Have a good day remeber the precious things in life.
Please dont get dragged down by my negativity.
And I will read your blogs when Im sober.
Good night to you and I wish you sweet dreams a mile long.
I hope to sleep now and all the pain be replaced by nice dreams.
Im so sorry to be pouring my heart uot.At least its Monday and not a holy day that I ruined again.
6 comments:
Oh, Bev, believe me, I know how you feel! Love from Sicily. x
Bev, I so hope that whilst I'm writing this, you are sleeping soundly and will wake up feeling better and happier today.
Spilt milk does still hurt, you're right there and it was a cruel thing that your parents did.
I'll say a prayer for you today that you feel some peace and confidence in yourself again.
The problem is with drink, just like me and Heroin . . . it's catch 22, The next day we feel down and crap and turn back to the drink/drugs to make us feel better again . . . and numb the pain. It works for a while, but then the next day always comes with it's reality.
I hope and pray today that you feel closer to God, Bev . . . He listens, whether we feel we deserve him or not.
You told me when I was down to whisper to Him (I don't forget).
Please try a little whisper ;-)
Don't listen to those men Bev, it's entirely up to you if you want to lose weight or not. For you, not for them.
I'll pop back tonight, meantime, thinking of you. Love and warmth sent your way x
Thank you Weshcakes Limoncello I send my love to you to.Thanks for comming to see meXoxo.
bugerlugs thanks so much for keeping in touch with me esp in my sad time.I feel weak I slept a lot and I spent a lot of time on the toilet sick.I feel like death warmed over with a head ache to.Im ashamed for writing the last 2 posts but Im keeping them for the next time I get a stupid idea of drinking the day away.
I will pray and thank you for praying for me I think it helped.
Love to you alwaysXoXoxO.
Bev are you saying you were forced into a hysterectomy in your teens? Fucking hell darling you should sue. At least then you could have a gold-plated champagne pity party when you feel like one.
Your husband's friend sounds like a pig.
Or as they'd say in China a 豕.
A pig under a roof 家 mean's "home".
You want to keep this pig OUT of YOUR HOME.
Your right and thanks for comming to see me.Yep my parents had it done when I was a teenager.There gone now and I guess I can sue but on the other hand I made lots of dirty money on the street and some how it feels dirty to sue to me.Wishes dont come true but I wish I never had that operation.Thank you Gledwood for comming and caring and sharingXOxXoXo
It really does hurt being called fat and ugly. On my blog some anons would always tell me fat n ugly I am. As if I don't have mirror. I wish they would post pics of themselves so I could judge them by their looks.
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