I am to good at spending money before I get it.
I am not good at any finances.
I want things I cant pay for.
I seem to pay my bills late or to late.
I spend on food before nessesitys.
I always have to explain to ex hubby or land lord why I dont have the money.
Ex hubby is getting tired of lending me money.He is mad at me to.
I never was spoiled since I stopped my busness.It was the only time I was independent for my income.When I was a young girl if I wanted something my mother will tell me go up and down the street you will find a guy to pay for it.
My guilt is from ebay.I started selling my jewlry there.I sold things I was tired of and bouht new things.The new things are fake and paste but I liked them its like trading a five dollar bill for a nickel.
I have to get tough on myself.I have to learn not to look or to look away when Im broke.Lately I dont have the disipline to do right.
Spending on jewlry and food and bills last.
I dont like when I pity myself at all but that is what Im doing today. A real pity party with a bottle of wine open since 10 am.I am ruining what can be a decent day.
I like days where I acomplish things.Today by the time I finish the bottle I will be un fit to do my house chores.Worst of all It is Sunday. Im not being have on the most important day.On Fridays and Sundays I am usually good and in winter I light candles and pray.Today Im to ashamed to pray.I dont pray when I know im being bad exept if Im to the point of beging for pardon.
Im ashamed of posting a thing like this on Sunday.But may be I will remeber the misery Im in if I write it down.
I get my cloths and shoes from a charity.I get canned food and food in packets from another charity.But the packets have powders in them and MSG so I give most of them to my ex hubby who likes them and does not get sick from them.
I am horrible to type this selfish stuff but in a way I may learn a lesson.I need to learn a good lesson and that only comes to me the hard way.And its comming.Tomorow the land lord will knock and I will be a hung over mess and not fit to explain.I wont even be able to tidy the place up.
A couple times a year I go throuh the same thing.I drink a couple bottles of wine from morning to night and ruin the whole day and the next day.I do always feel bad wasting a day but I have not leraned or remembered just how bad it is.May be soon I will.
I take the sun away and put a black cloud over my day.
This is a long boring post but I just want to keep typing because there is nothing else I can do untill Im asleep.Im lonely but not drunk enough to bear with my feelings or to even deal with myself.May be after Im done with this bottle I will fall asleep and forget all about this but I hope that I dont.Nothing is learned by forgeting.
3 comments:
Bev, that's a fantastic post! not boring at all. It's very insightful and like you say, it's a good idea to write it all out and, hopefully, learn from it.
We all have days that we waste and throw away. I love how you said, I took the sun and put a cloud over it . . . that's what I do when I have Heroin, but you have a way of putting things into words . . . A very honest and open way. Quite amazing, I'm going back to read again.
I hope you're sleeping good now.
Spending money is another addiction just like drugs . . . and it's probably best dealt with in the same way . . . One day at a time. We can change these habits. It's not easy, but we can.
Take care, Bev and keep writing x
buggerlugs thank you for being here for me.I apreciate it so much because I am withdarwing and you said so many kind things.XoXoXo
One day ata time like you said.XoXoXo
Bye the way I love you buggerlugs because you have a gold heart and are filled with warmth and kindness.I wish we where neighbos and we can talk and think about all good things.I really Love yoyXOxoXO
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