Captured and Released

I got hit on the head with an umbrella. I remember Mom would talk about her nerves.

I cried hysterical when I felt the metal rod of the umbrella hit the top of my head because it was unexpected.I was sitting in the back seat looking out the window and it was some thing that my brother did that provoked the slam on the head.She meant to hit him and I got it insted.She just aimed wrong. My crying of course made the situation worse.

I was an emotional child and she disliked that itself.She didnt like the sounds of children.I felt un wanted unwelcome.I felt like an intrusion and what the heck could I do about it?

I spent most of my time out doors where I was at peace.

My main hobby was watching ants. I sprawled outside on the side walk very contented with my tiny companions.

I ran in the house and got tissues and a pocket full of sugar. I opened a luxury ant hospital.

I steped just a little bit on a bunch of ants.

Neatly beside my injured ants was the soft luxury tissues. I placed each ant  in orderly rows on there soft beds. And besides each of them was a little bit of sugar.

I didnt realize I was hurting the ants.I really believed they where enjoying there stay and my care and attention.I thouht I was making them better.

Before the sun went down I left the ants.All summer this was my obsession.

Some times our intentions can be perfectly good but wrong.

May be we are in more pain in the beginning of our life.

We enter the world as strangers. Every thing is new and we strive for survival because we are small and weak.

And may be we exit with an affectionate peace because we are fully nourished from life but weak in comfort and peace.

I dont know. But I have been very close to my end more then once. For me it wasnt so much an end as it was a release.I was released like a butterfly captured in a tight sweaty palm.

Heres a poem by Helen Steiner Rice

Good Morning God

You are ushering in another day

Untouched and freshly new

So here I come to ask you, God,

If you'll renew me too.

Forgive the many errors,

That I made yesterday

and let me try again, Dear God

to walk closer in Thy way

But Father, I am well aware 

I can't make it on my own

So take my hand and hold it tight,

for I can't walk all alone.

Peace be with you this Friday and for always.

Jealousy

When I was first married to my ex husband and we lived together I use to really wish there where no pretty girls on television.Is that selfish?

Yes. It was selfish.

I wanted my husband to look at me. And while he was looking I also wanted his eyes to see beauty in my presence.

He was not able.Not able to view me and find beauty.

I asked him if he ever saw in my direction any thing that could please his eyes. My ex is brutally honest. A trait I love.No he did not find in me any think he could say was beautiful.Not with his eyes.

With his heart he found beauty in me.

I processed this thing slowly.

Attraction first and personality second.

I was brought up in believing physical attraction was essential.At least in the beginning of love.

But I had no physical beauty to offer him.

Number one I have it written in my diary I did not have the type of look he preferred.

I was initially pretty traumatized by this. I felt he could not love me.Not really love me.But he said the words to that song.If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife.

Nice song.But that was the opposite type of reassurance I was seeking.

Other guys preceding him could look me in the eyes and give me wonderful compliments.The stuff that makes a flower bloom tall and proud.

My husband was void of empty compliments.If he said any thing.There was meaning in his words.

I noticed I got no praise for my cleaning cooking and decorating and that eventually led me to clean only the essentials.

I felt all of my efforts where unrewarded.

About 1 & 1/2 years later I was no longer needing his acceptance of my looks.

I was content that he loved me for the part of myself that you cant see.

The stunning beauties he was eyeing where captured on film or on papers of glossy magazines.I asked him to never praise a woman in daily life to me.He can rave over television and ad girls but not real women in my presence.Was that fair? That is what I asked and he agreed.

Envy is a futile emotion and the Bible calls it sinful.

I find it hard to think of emotions as being sins.We arent robots. I dont think God wanted us automated and robotic. 

Hate is sinful.

But there are some emotions sadness & lust that are awful hard to control.They feel & seem natural and unavoidable.

Jealousy is different.

Why hate some one because they have what we would love to have? We can be happy that we have ability to appreciate  and admire those nice things or qualities.

I was in the- flesh- real.Also though I never spoke of it I also found myself admiring beautiful men. My cheeks get red and hot when this happens I feel I have already seduced them mentally.  So ex hubby got the short end of the stick when he opened his eyes.My vision is much better.I can find beauty in all faces.

Good Morning Star Shine

The earth says Hello.My love and we sing our early morning sing song.

I woke up with the songs from Hair in my dreams.

Nothing to write exept Im smiling because the cool fresh air and sun and breeze make me feel good and happy.

The air seems healthy.Earth is a wonderful planet and Im happy with the day God has brouht us.

Yikes!

I can just about make my way with Bloggers new layout and Im struggling.

Im lost with this new set up and hope to get use to it.

Impetuous is what my ex hubby calls me. I dont think pragmatic.I think with my heart mostly.

When I feel hurt it usually by some bodys words. 

I must remember to repress my inner spoiled girl thinking. I was never spoiled materially.I was never spoiled emotionally with an over abundance of love.

I feel I was deprived of being loved. I try my darn best to love myself. I been writing empty lists on reasons to love myself since I was 10.Its a consious effort.Its an exercise.

People in my area think of me as being a very happy lady.I whistle.I even sing to myself.When some one starts staring at me because of my singing I laugh.

I confide to you here that Im not supposed to be happy.

Some years ago I was diagnosed as being unipolar.

I guess that means that Im supposed to be sad all the time. It did initially hurt me.No one likes to be labeled especially when the label can steer them in to unhealthy thinking. 

And it did. I went a round all mopey and frumpy with this sad look because I let the stigma behind the label rule over me.

It no longer really affects me.

Those doctors have never seen me around the house. They also dont see my interactions.

They dont know how much joy I get by the freedom of being able to laugh at myself.

Yes at that time I was startled myself with my total acceptance of death.Its been over 10 years.
I am not in this state of mind any more.I have not been for 10 years.

They first ruled out bipolar. I asked why they considered me bi-polar.He said because of the attempt.Alright. I did feel tired.Tired of work.Tired even of taking care of me. I was burnt out.I was alienated isolated and at that time found life dull and painful.

My friend told me later that I had called and sounded calm. Then I called him 10 minutes later in hysteria.I was screaming and crying and this is according to him.I dont remember these calls.

I remember grabbing my wine and beer from the fridge.I felt a little fearful and thinking first I must be drunk.Once drunk I took the tablets from some one.Melloril.I lit a candle to say my last prayer.How can I pray while planning my own eternal escape???I was not thinking right at all.

But the candle was on the mantel and it burned away until I was found.

It may have been the prayer that saved my life.

I am grateful that I was found. That God found some purpose in keeping me here.

I realized my life had meaning for the simple fact that I was kept on this earth by God.

Understandably the doctors had me in a four week program of intensive questioning and screening which at the time I was disgusted by. I was weak and unhappy and told the doctors when I had enough questioning for the day.

I felt I was right they where wrong.

One year in to a routine of bi weekly visits to my therapist and years worth of Pamelor. I had enough.The 2 doctors where both the most negative & unpleasant people I ever met.

This is my life.

My existance to this point was commanded by my doctor and therapist. I was living as they dictated.I was tired of the act.

This grim dark serious woman with no sense of humor or pursuit of happiness.This role had to be ended.

I was in pursuit of life of real living and most importantly of being me again.

They wanted me sad and serious all the time. program.It was depressing and oppresive.I could not just live only to please them.

I still had my God and I begged him to let me away from these people forever.

He helped me.

So every day I a wake and I sing little happy songs. I doll up and make my way throuh the day as I want.
Im sharing this with you.Dont do what I do.
Of course I have issues.Im not in denial.Im in survival.
Im just to independent to let some one take control over me.
I cant play passive.Its not in me. I am happy!
There are sickos in every field psychiatry included.
I promise that if I ever get that low I will get there help.

When we cease being we then we just cease.Totally cease.

Give me liberty or give me death some one said and that person never even met Doctor Grinch!
I hope not to have offended anyone.

Theres Nothing To be Embarassed By

I try thinking that theres nothing to be embarassed about but I dont believe it.
Because of my size at any events I try finding a seat way in back.In the last row.Its always in my mind that I must be blocking some bodys view.
Besides big.Im also tall.
Some thing that always gets me mad is when greedy adults file in way ahead of time to get the best seat in the front.And theres children that cant see but the adults pretend they are not there.
When I was little.I had sever stomach problems. Passing boweles was so painful that I often had tears running down the whole time I spent on the toilet.
I was to embarrased to ever talk about it. I aproached my mom about it.But in that childish way where its some body elses problem. I told my mom I was watching the Merv Griffin Show and Merv said that when ever he had to use the toilet he feels cold first and the skin on his belly gets cold and then he gets a pain and he knows he needs the mens room.
These where my own symptoms. Of course I got no where trying to solve my problem this way.Mom just said that Merv Griffin must be a little weird if this is what he talks about on his show.
I dont like public toilets at all. I usally use the bath room a few times before leaving my apt.
so that I wont have contact with the toilet and I flush with my foot to.There was a real nice one where it flushes auto matically and the sinks had a sensor where your hands are under neath it flows and stops when you raise your hands. And the worste of all are the portico.Is that the right name where its just a plastic room with no running water just a hole in a seat. Those really gross me out and I get to naushous to use them.Theres flies in there to.
Last night I had meat balls that did not agree with me and I had gas pains all night.
Im drinking lots of water and I switched my ice tea from the powdered one with so much sugar to Twinings ice brewed tea.No sugar or aspartame.May be I will lose a little weht.Its late.Its geting cold.
I love the cold and its exilerating to me.Makes me feel fresh and all wide a wake.It good sleping weather to.
I love blankets and feeling snugly even thouh I sleep alone.I been sleeping so well.And I dont need the ac any more but I have a window fan blowing cold all over me.
No more sweating! No more puddle face.Im having good hair days and Im trying to lose weiht even thouh right now is sweater weather and no body can really tell if I lost or ained a few pounds.But I will tell and Im the one who counts for myself.

Give my love to the sun~Rita Hayworth

Yesterday I was in the park with a friend.It was pretty cool but the walking under the sun made us hot.We found a shady spot of grass and sat down.
That seems pretty innocent?
Out of the blue we heard a man raging.Really angry on a beautiful day.
He was yelling to his gf Dont open the truck.Dont open the door theres some ppl near my truck.
We knew we where the ppl he was yelling about. I got up from near the guys truck and was looking for a nother place to sit.My friend called me back.I cam back but stood up.
I was uncomfortable. If some body is this angry cause Im near his truck theres a real simple solution.I move!
The yelling continues to get worse. This time Im really iritated.I tell my stubborn friend Im geting out of here. He only agrees after Im walking away.
The yeller keeps yelling at his gf who is carrying a baby and a pail of some thing.
So I turn a round directly to the guy.Its to late for me to calm down. I yell back the reason why we sat down there in the shade. And yellers voice gets small and hes excusing himself saying Oh no.I got a dog with me I was.....
No. I heard you 20 times screaming about those people near your truck.Blah blah blah.
Walking away realizing how many times I was shouted at in the past by my own boy friends.
When I cant be a round cheerful uplifting people I like my own company.
I dont miss some one to yell at me. I am pretty good company for myself even thouh I can be my worse enemy.
Im not as hard on myself as some guys are to there wifes and gfs.
On the other hand I get spiteful.Some body points out my fat and I gain more weiht.
I know well when I try to spite some one its only hurting me.
But this is my routine and its some thing I want to break free of.
I am human.I re act and make mistakes.
I get more hurt when some body I care about shows dis approval.
I wish I did not care about approval but being human I do.
I got a very hard time today by a friend I care about while I was starting my heavy duty house cleaning. My poor decision is get drunk and let the day pass with out me. The plus side is I am not carrying out my plans for the cleaning.
I will be sleeping where nothing but night mares can hurt me.Night mare dont sting me so bad as reality.
Im all ready geting mellow after 2 bottles of Samuel Adams and a few glasses of wine.
I am disappointed in myself for so many reasons.But I rather dissapoint me then some one else.
This is the dumest way to avoid problems and worries.Nothing ever gets solved.
Tommorow Ill wake up sick.That never stops me.
I feel naushous and that doesnt stop me.
Theres really nothing that stops me.
I think animals have it better.They have a strong survival instict.I sometimes have a self destructive instinct.
Blah blah.I am not well enough to clean but Im well enough to drink.
Im straring at this page.When Im sober and less emotional I will regret this page.I will feel stupid.I am a big lady with a small mind.I wish I was a smll lady with a big mind.
The good part is I can jst about keep my eyes open.Thats the beginig of the end of this day.
I been on this page over an hour.I dont want to leave it. If I leave it I will think more. Im comfy here with my wine and beer and just typing.I remember my mom telling me a few times at under 9 years old that I stink or smell.
Im thinking of when I seen Ground Zero.Its always sad.The atmosfere is sad.The fountain was shut off for 1st responders anniverary.Before I turnd 40 I got so depressed that i almost missed my birthday party.I wonder why aging is depressing?I know its not just me.
iwonder why ppl can be that happy in a world fill of goodbyes.
It seems fake to me.I just dont understand things.
I put on my sweat shirt,Its soft and comfy.My bed room is cold and I slep good that way.I really like the cold and the oziness in it.
I wish I lived in a lumber house.Not rih.I wish I lived in a log cabin with no clutter.no posesions that are not nesseasry.Some times I wish I lived in horse and buggy days.I did not drive after my last MV accident cause when I learned to drive it was all anticipate what the other cars will do.I had a gash under my eye from hiting the steeringf wheel the Dr sewed me up so the scare is snot to visable.Today the drivers dont indicate if changing lanes and in my area they ar un predictable.They dart out.I get nervs I hear the crash,I remember my head resting on the steering wheel and I dont know how I lifted it to see the wind sheld cracked and the blood gushing down my face.
I dont know can i ever drive again.I wish I had slices of hot turkey and peas and candyed yams.I would love chicken parmigiano and lasagna the bolognese way with spinach pasta meat ragu and barsamela sause. My foster parents where sogood preparing it and its not he kind from reserants or tv dinners.I cant believeIm geting hungry.One more Samuel Adams and finish my bottle of wine and I will forget thes comfort food.I can never afforsto make it or go to an expencive restaurant who serves it original style.My foster parents was from Turin and they knew how to cook.May be some day I cook like them.Since th day I was brought homeagain my mom made sure to end comunication.May be i cqn finf them of Face Book but they was not the kind to facebook or twitter them selves.I dont blame them.Im warming up a can of Campells soup cause its so chilly hherre.Ithink its 2 hours since iM writing this post od self pity.
But Im almoct donejust waiting for the drink to tire me our all together.
I hope my friends Bugerlugs and glenwood dont worry about me.Im a real big girls and things will get better.Please dont worry aout me.Therre are many worse peolpe off in the world.
My soup is beef barley by pregresso in a can .may be it will be good
Oka Im done done done.Im ready to lay uder my sheets and wish for happier times.
Good niht sweet drems sleep sweetly and God bless.
Rita Hayworth in on of her movies says Give my love to the sun.
I will also gibe my love to the sum when the next on comes.
Keep happy and optimistic and enjoy all the sweetest little tings in life.The lirrlest things are probably the most fulfilling .
Rita Hayworth has a real profound saying wwheb she says give my love to the sun and she says this cause she believes she will not be there when the morning sun arrives.I love you Rita Haywort.

Everything that is Good

God forgive me please.
Im not writing against you.
I am writing against the Roman Catholic Church in itself.
I know there are many disgraces in mankind as I am a sinner.
I havent been to a church in a few years.
The last time I went to church was when I found a 5 dollar bill on the ground. I bought a couple things with it and the remaining 3$ and coins I brought to church.
When I come a cross money.Instantly I have feelings about who it belongs to.Some one may give me a card at Christmas with a bill inside and quick I feel that I know who it belongs to and usally it isnt me.
I give what I can to Saint Judes Childrens Hospital some times.
Back to the 5$. I felt the remaining 3$ and something belonged to the church.That it had all ready belonged there earlier then I found it.So I went inside the closest church.
Right away I felt very embaressed.A lady asked if I came for the special organ day.I told her I just wanted to know where the donations go and was led by her past the congregation and in to a room in the back where theere was a priest and elegant couples.
She has a donation for the new organ fund. The lady said proudly in a loud voice.I felt my face get very hot and red.They where making it seem like I was there with thousands.
The priest was a picture of happiness.He speeded right tords me. You have a gift for us. Are you a regular at our church?
I told him I was not.
It was very hard to hand him the 3 dollar bills and the change wrapped up inside it.I held it nervous. My sweaty palm made it damp.
So you have heard about our organ fund?
No I told him.
Oh alright Um I see.
I handed my little bundle of change and bills in to his hand while looking for the exit.
He was disappointed I knew that.But he was kind enough not to show it.
The conflicts I have with the Roman Catholic Church is that it centers around money.But they dont seem to be helping people.Ill or Poor or hungry.
I dont feel reverance for priests.To me they are men.Men wearing cassocks.
The priests pedophiling is really really awful.Im sure God looks down angrily.
The Vatican excusing this kind of sin.
Priests may not have many chances for fun and excitement.
But they must not be bothering children.In the Bible over and over you read the worste sins in the eyes of God are those against little children.
Jesus gave sermons in cloths of poverty. He was not looking to impress any body.
The Popes dress with jewlry and gold.
Why does any faith have to be preached by ppl dressed so rich?
Im sorry.Im sorry for having thoughts.Im sorry for having thoughts like this.
Please forgive me God.
I love the song Amazing Grace and Mia Marianne and Per Filip sing it like no other.Judy Collins sings it real good to.
In Roman Catholic Church this song is banned.I heared it is not allowed because the writer commited suicide.
It is a glorious song.Who ever wrote it had a great passion and love for God.If he found life unbearable is it so bad that his tribute must be silenced for ever?
May be people are less forgiving then God.
Im sorry.

Pride of my Ex Hubby

My ex hubby was in the park at the same time I was.
Its been very dark and rainy and when I seen my exhubby he looked like a rainbow after a storm.
He was dressed slick and happy as can be.
I was glad to see him look so good because a couple weeks ago he had no money for the laundrymat.I was supposed to wash his cloths a little at a time.Just a grocery bag of socks then a bag of underwear then a couple shirts and pants.I have a plastic tub I can soak cloths in and then rince them out in my tub.
When we where married we use to wash our panties together in a little sudsy bowl and we where happy and in love and our hands touched each others hands in the sudsy water and I thought if this is not love what is love?
Because we both got very mushy washing our pants in the same bowl.It always ended up with us holding hands in the bowl and looking at each other with big smiles.
He saved enough all by himself to pay the laundrymat.
Im glad he is proud of his looks and taking care of himself.I am proud that he is not just my ex hubby but a real friend.

La Vita Semplice

Theres a murkiness that clouds my memory of being taken away from my parents. All of us where seperated and put in different homes with new families. Thinking of the seperation makes me suddenley tense.
My seperation and entrence in to a new family was the happiest from what my brother and sisters said there new homes where not embrasing and doting.At all.
My new home was a paradise for a child.There where dried sausages hanging from the ceiling.Potatos in the basement and chickens and fresh eggs.They where self relient.
They didnt shop for much..All most all our food came from the ground and was returned to the ground in scraps.At night the smell of home made bread in the oven brouht us to the table.
The house was very simple very clean with no exess of any thing to clutter the house.
I love and remember the laughter of my new parents.They where really in love.They bickered some times but there was no violense in the home. They where dark and handsome together.
I was learning to sew. I broke there sewing machine twice with my learning and they where practical enought to fix it themself.There was a few flowers in the garden and mostly fruits & veggies.We ate squash flowers dipped in flour and fried.Delish.
Artichokes where in a pickling jar and an absolute treat!A nother favorite was there lupini beans in jars with lots of salt.
I loved the MSN chat rooms and communities which are gone now.Reading and typing in replies in Italian chat rooms let me improve my Italian and get aquainted with some real nice folks.It was a fun way of brushing up.
After 5 very securing years I was taken back home to my real parents.It was a day of kisses and tears and waving hands that I finally shut my eyes to.
But we had each other and a protective brother.He was mean with every thing acept our parents.
One by one all of us left for our own lives.I was the youngest and stayed till 15.They set me up with a man and from there I escaped.He was to old to go and look for me and I called home now and then to say hi.I was never reported as missing probably my parents had enough of raising children and liked the freedom.
I met and fell in love with Joey Sun Shine.Then I met a nother intresting guy and we married before a year was over.
He was very very abusive and violent.A man who was control happy and wanted me on a leash or puppet strings.The last punishment he planned was geting me drunk and droping me off at the high way to see if I can make it back.A nother punishment I got was being sat in a chair and not moving for 8 hours.I was lucky that I didnt need to use the toilet those 8 hours.This is my apartment where he lived and I survived a little time.I sewd the curtains myself and I put ribbons on my vases and stuffed animals.
I dont know how he thouht all these punishments up or why?Worse yet I let him rule me.In the pix below hes in his dorm.He told me in advance what my punishments and beatings would be.2 years later I kept my interest in foreihn affairs and volunteered again in a nother abusive relationship.I learn only the hard way.
The marriage was nulled so hes not my husband and never was legaly.I can live with that happily!
Happier days is Saturday night ready to play basket ball with the boys.

Loving Me Update

10 reasons I love myself
Below is Mrs Filbert.She says shes looking for a man who does not like her margarine.She says she makes it to please ladies so she Knows it will please men. I like her attitude and that shes comfortable with her sexuality. Now back to me.
I love my how I look in pantyhose.
I love that Im eager to lend a helping hand.
I love my flirtyness.
I love that I want to befriend every body I meet.I love curiosity because it makes living fun.
I love that my attitude is young and still fresh.
I love that I have experienced what some ladies would not dare.
I love my honesty.
I love how my toes look with a coat of paint.
I love how I make sure to always sleep in a clean bed.
I love being a lady.
I love that Im not easy to intimidate.
I love that I love a simple life.
I love that little things bring me joy.
I love that I love fresh starts.
I love my patience.
I love me because I can laugh at myself.
I love picking flowers and putting them behind my ears like I did when I was small.
I love that I dont need money to be happy.
I love my independance and my need for people.
I love making changes in my life for the better.
I love my sensitivity.
I love that I love myself.
The pix up there is with the boys Im playing basket ball with to night.