Give my love to the sun~Rita Hayworth

Yesterday I was in the park with a friend.It was pretty cool but the walking under the sun made us hot.We found a shady spot of grass and sat down.
That seems pretty innocent?
Out of the blue we heard a man raging.Really angry on a beautiful day.
He was yelling to his gf Dont open the truck.Dont open the door theres some ppl near my truck.
We knew we where the ppl he was yelling about. I got up from near the guys truck and was looking for a nother place to sit.My friend called me back.I cam back but stood up.
I was uncomfortable. If some body is this angry cause Im near his truck theres a real simple solution.I move!
The yelling continues to get worse. This time Im really iritated.I tell my stubborn friend Im geting out of here. He only agrees after Im walking away.
The yeller keeps yelling at his gf who is carrying a baby and a pail of some thing.
So I turn a round directly to the guy.Its to late for me to calm down. I yell back the reason why we sat down there in the shade. And yellers voice gets small and hes excusing himself saying Oh no.I got a dog with me I was.....
No. I heard you 20 times screaming about those people near your truck.Blah blah blah.
Walking away realizing how many times I was shouted at in the past by my own boy friends.
When I cant be a round cheerful uplifting people I like my own company.
I dont miss some one to yell at me. I am pretty good company for myself even thouh I can be my worse enemy.
Im not as hard on myself as some guys are to there wifes and gfs.
On the other hand I get spiteful.Some body points out my fat and I gain more weiht.
I know well when I try to spite some one its only hurting me.
But this is my routine and its some thing I want to break free of.
I am human.I re act and make mistakes.
I get more hurt when some body I care about shows dis approval.
I wish I did not care about approval but being human I do.
I got a very hard time today by a friend I care about while I was starting my heavy duty house cleaning. My poor decision is get drunk and let the day pass with out me. The plus side is I am not carrying out my plans for the cleaning.
I will be sleeping where nothing but night mares can hurt me.Night mare dont sting me so bad as reality.
Im all ready geting mellow after 2 bottles of Samuel Adams and a few glasses of wine.
I am disappointed in myself for so many reasons.But I rather dissapoint me then some one else.
This is the dumest way to avoid problems and worries.Nothing ever gets solved.
Tommorow Ill wake up sick.That never stops me.
I feel naushous and that doesnt stop me.
Theres really nothing that stops me.
I think animals have it better.They have a strong survival instict.I sometimes have a self destructive instinct.
Blah blah.I am not well enough to clean but Im well enough to drink.
Im straring at this page.When Im sober and less emotional I will regret this page.I will feel stupid.I am a big lady with a small mind.I wish I was a smll lady with a big mind.
The good part is I can jst about keep my eyes open.Thats the beginig of the end of this day.
I been on this page over an hour.I dont want to leave it. If I leave it I will think more. Im comfy here with my wine and beer and just typing.I remember my mom telling me a few times at under 9 years old that I stink or smell.
Im thinking of when I seen Ground Zero.Its always sad.The atmosfere is sad.The fountain was shut off for 1st responders anniverary.Before I turnd 40 I got so depressed that i almost missed my birthday party.I wonder why aging is depressing?I know its not just me.
iwonder why ppl can be that happy in a world fill of goodbyes.
It seems fake to me.I just dont understand things.
I put on my sweat shirt,Its soft and comfy.My bed room is cold and I slep good that way.I really like the cold and the oziness in it.
I wish I lived in a lumber house.Not rih.I wish I lived in a log cabin with no clutter.no posesions that are not nesseasry.Some times I wish I lived in horse and buggy days.I did not drive after my last MV accident cause when I learned to drive it was all anticipate what the other cars will do.I had a gash under my eye from hiting the steeringf wheel the Dr sewed me up so the scare is snot to visable.Today the drivers dont indicate if changing lanes and in my area they ar un predictable.They dart out.I get nervs I hear the crash,I remember my head resting on the steering wheel and I dont know how I lifted it to see the wind sheld cracked and the blood gushing down my face.
I dont know can i ever drive again.I wish I had slices of hot turkey and peas and candyed yams.I would love chicken parmigiano and lasagna the bolognese way with spinach pasta meat ragu and barsamela sause. My foster parents where sogood preparing it and its not he kind from reserants or tv dinners.I cant believeIm geting hungry.One more Samuel Adams and finish my bottle of wine and I will forget thes comfort food.I can never afforsto make it or go to an expencive restaurant who serves it original style.My foster parents was from Turin and they knew how to cook.May be some day I cook like them.Since th day I was brought homeagain my mom made sure to end comunication.May be i cqn finf them of Face Book but they was not the kind to facebook or twitter them selves.I dont blame them.Im warming up a can of Campells soup cause its so chilly hherre.Ithink its 2 hours since iM writing this post od self pity.
But Im almoct donejust waiting for the drink to tire me our all together.
I hope my friends Bugerlugs and glenwood dont worry about me.Im a real big girls and things will get better.Please dont worry aout me.Therre are many worse peolpe off in the world.
My soup is beef barley by pregresso in a can .may be it will be good
Oka Im done done done.Im ready to lay uder my sheets and wish for happier times.
Good niht sweet drems sleep sweetly and God bless.
Rita Hayworth in on of her movies says Give my love to the sun.
I will also gibe my love to the sum when the next on comes.
Keep happy and optimistic and enjoy all the sweetest little tings in life.The lirrlest things are probably the most fulfilling .
Rita Hayworth has a real profound saying wwheb she says give my love to the sun and she says this cause she believes she will not be there when the morning sun arrives.I love you Rita Haywort.