Yikes!

I can just about make my way with Bloggers new layout and Im struggling.

Im lost with this new set up and hope to get use to it.

Impetuous is what my ex hubby calls me. I dont think pragmatic.I think with my heart mostly.

When I feel hurt it usually by some bodys words. 

I must remember to repress my inner spoiled girl thinking. I was never spoiled materially.I was never spoiled emotionally with an over abundance of love.

I feel I was deprived of being loved. I try my darn best to love myself. I been writing empty lists on reasons to love myself since I was 10.Its a consious effort.Its an exercise.

People in my area think of me as being a very happy lady.I whistle.I even sing to myself.When some one starts staring at me because of my singing I laugh.

I confide to you here that Im not supposed to be happy.

Some years ago I was diagnosed as being unipolar.

I guess that means that Im supposed to be sad all the time. It did initially hurt me.No one likes to be labeled especially when the label can steer them in to unhealthy thinking. 

And it did. I went a round all mopey and frumpy with this sad look because I let the stigma behind the label rule over me.

It no longer really affects me.

Those doctors have never seen me around the house. They also dont see my interactions.

They dont know how much joy I get by the freedom of being able to laugh at myself.

Yes at that time I was startled myself with my total acceptance of death.Its been over 10 years.
I am not in this state of mind any more.I have not been for 10 years.

They first ruled out bipolar. I asked why they considered me bi-polar.He said because of the attempt.Alright. I did feel tired.Tired of work.Tired even of taking care of me. I was burnt out.I was alienated isolated and at that time found life dull and painful.

My friend told me later that I had called and sounded calm. Then I called him 10 minutes later in hysteria.I was screaming and crying and this is according to him.I dont remember these calls.

I remember grabbing my wine and beer from the fridge.I felt a little fearful and thinking first I must be drunk.Once drunk I took the tablets from some one.Melloril.I lit a candle to say my last prayer.How can I pray while planning my own eternal escape???I was not thinking right at all.

But the candle was on the mantel and it burned away until I was found.

It may have been the prayer that saved my life.

I am grateful that I was found. That God found some purpose in keeping me here.

I realized my life had meaning for the simple fact that I was kept on this earth by God.

Understandably the doctors had me in a four week program of intensive questioning and screening which at the time I was disgusted by. I was weak and unhappy and told the doctors when I had enough questioning for the day.

I felt I was right they where wrong.

One year in to a routine of bi weekly visits to my therapist and years worth of Pamelor. I had enough.The 2 doctors where both the most negative & unpleasant people I ever met.

This is my life.

My existance to this point was commanded by my doctor and therapist. I was living as they dictated.I was tired of the act.

This grim dark serious woman with no sense of humor or pursuit of happiness.This role had to be ended.

I was in pursuit of life of real living and most importantly of being me again.

They wanted me sad and serious all the time. program.It was depressing and oppresive.I could not just live only to please them.

I still had my God and I begged him to let me away from these people forever.

He helped me.

So every day I a wake and I sing little happy songs. I doll up and make my way throuh the day as I want.
Im sharing this with you.Dont do what I do.
Of course I have issues.Im not in denial.Im in survival.
Im just to independent to let some one take control over me.
I cant play passive.Its not in me. I am happy!
There are sickos in every field psychiatry included.
I promise that if I ever get that low I will get there help.

When we cease being we then we just cease.Totally cease.

Give me liberty or give me death some one said and that person never even met Doctor Grinch!
I hope not to have offended anyone.