Captured and Released

I got hit on the head with an umbrella. I remember Mom would talk about her nerves.

I cried hysterical when I felt the metal rod of the umbrella hit the top of my head because it was unexpected.I was sitting in the back seat looking out the window and it was some thing that my brother did that provoked the slam on the head.She meant to hit him and I got it insted.She just aimed wrong. My crying of course made the situation worse.

I was an emotional child and she disliked that itself.She didnt like the sounds of children.I felt un wanted unwelcome.I felt like an intrusion and what the heck could I do about it?

I spent most of my time out doors where I was at peace.

My main hobby was watching ants. I sprawled outside on the side walk very contented with my tiny companions.

I ran in the house and got tissues and a pocket full of sugar. I opened a luxury ant hospital.

I steped just a little bit on a bunch of ants.

Neatly beside my injured ants was the soft luxury tissues. I placed each ant  in orderly rows on there soft beds. And besides each of them was a little bit of sugar.

I didnt realize I was hurting the ants.I really believed they where enjoying there stay and my care and attention.I thouht I was making them better.

Before the sun went down I left the ants.All summer this was my obsession.

Some times our intentions can be perfectly good but wrong.

May be we are in more pain in the beginning of our life.

We enter the world as strangers. Every thing is new and we strive for survival because we are small and weak.

And may be we exit with an affectionate peace because we are fully nourished from life but weak in comfort and peace.

I dont know. But I have been very close to my end more then once. For me it wasnt so much an end as it was a release.I was released like a butterfly captured in a tight sweaty palm.

Heres a poem by Helen Steiner Rice

Good Morning God

You are ushering in another day

Untouched and freshly new

So here I come to ask you, God,

If you'll renew me too.

Forgive the many errors,

That I made yesterday

and let me try again, Dear God

to walk closer in Thy way

But Father, I am well aware 

I can't make it on my own

So take my hand and hold it tight,

for I can't walk all alone.

Peace be with you this Friday and for always.