Jealousy

When I was first married to my ex husband and we lived together I use to really wish there where no pretty girls on television.Is that selfish?

Yes. It was selfish.

I wanted my husband to look at me. And while he was looking I also wanted his eyes to see beauty in my presence.

He was not able.Not able to view me and find beauty.

I asked him if he ever saw in my direction any thing that could please his eyes. My ex is brutally honest. A trait I love.No he did not find in me any think he could say was beautiful.Not with his eyes.

With his heart he found beauty in me.

I processed this thing slowly.

Attraction first and personality second.

I was brought up in believing physical attraction was essential.At least in the beginning of love.

But I had no physical beauty to offer him.

Number one I have it written in my diary I did not have the type of look he preferred.

I was initially pretty traumatized by this. I felt he could not love me.Not really love me.But he said the words to that song.If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife.

Nice song.But that was the opposite type of reassurance I was seeking.

Other guys preceding him could look me in the eyes and give me wonderful compliments.The stuff that makes a flower bloom tall and proud.

My husband was void of empty compliments.If he said any thing.There was meaning in his words.

I noticed I got no praise for my cleaning cooking and decorating and that eventually led me to clean only the essentials.

I felt all of my efforts where unrewarded.

About 1 & 1/2 years later I was no longer needing his acceptance of my looks.

I was content that he loved me for the part of myself that you cant see.

The stunning beauties he was eyeing where captured on film or on papers of glossy magazines.I asked him to never praise a woman in daily life to me.He can rave over television and ad girls but not real women in my presence.Was that fair? That is what I asked and he agreed.

Envy is a futile emotion and the Bible calls it sinful.

I find it hard to think of emotions as being sins.We arent robots. I dont think God wanted us automated and robotic. 

Hate is sinful.

But there are some emotions sadness & lust that are awful hard to control.They feel & seem natural and unavoidable.

Jealousy is different.

Why hate some one because they have what we would love to have? We can be happy that we have ability to appreciate  and admire those nice things or qualities.

I was in the- flesh- real.Also though I never spoke of it I also found myself admiring beautiful men. My cheeks get red and hot when this happens I feel I have already seduced them mentally.  So ex hubby got the short end of the stick when he opened his eyes.My vision is much better.I can find beauty in all faces.