Loving Myself a Beginner's Guide

Learning to love myself has been a pre occupation of mine since a very early age.

A point of crisis was age 14. My disliking myself was at my own all time high. I cried when ever I looked in the mirror. I was heart broken by the image staring back at me.

I was in my first  year in high school and my last year.

I had no friends.

I got my matches out and went in to my mothers drawer and took her couple of her bobby pins.

They where metal and I got them very hot with the flame of the matches and I held it to the flesh of my fore arm.The pain brought tears to my eyes.Yet there was some thing satisfying about it.

I believed at the time that physical pain would erase my  emotional pain.

Some girls took long baths or polished there toe nails and I did this.

I knew it was wrong and abnormal but that didnt matter to me. 

I was in a strange mental state. I thought the burns where beautiful. I thought I was making a bracelet for myself that never needed polishing.

The bobby pin burns where nearly white and puffy against the redness of the surounding skin.

I took deep deep breaths with each press against the skin. But I found it pleasurable.

Eventually it led to buying cigarettes and lighting them and holding them against my arm. The pin was a little intense but I found I had a pretty high pain thresh hold.I tried smoking them but did not get much from it.

I remember being with a college boy and he asked me was I a sadist or a masochist. I didnt know what the words meant and I asked my dad and told him the question the boy asked me.He got a very confused expression and he got angry so I looked up the words in a dictionary.

Apparently there was a name for this. 

I wanted scars. I wanted scars to show in the future that my life had been pain full. So I put rubbery tape on them infection will cause deeper scarring.

This was so many years ago in another life. 

You could smoke back then in places. I lifted my sleeve and showed my new friends what I was up to.

We hung out. And drank. I was drunk one night when I grabbed a hand full of napkins and put them on the table with my friends and started a table top fire. They stared and the nice manager came and extinguished it with out asking me to leave or even scolding me/us. He was young himself and always smiled to us. I usally got the right ppl and took what ever they offered as long as it was free.

Mostly they where pot and the first couple times it did a job on my head and I got suspicious and paranoid. Later on it relaxed me but I didnt feel any need for it. Coke was offered at bars and all it did was make me talk a mile a minute.The only chemical consoling I got was alcohol.

Im glad that I never sought mental peace any more from pains and burns As I grew up.

My arms are marked up but when I am real tanned its very hard to see them but maybe it has the purpose of reminding me to like myself a little more.

Over Reacting on a Thanks giving with no Thanks

My Crème caramel.

I used the wrong name in my yesterdays post got glass splinters in it.Thrown out.                     I am a shamed of  how upset I got.

I was systems down last night when I mis named this desert.Any way it had to be thrown out.No sense in any bodys throat getting slashed by glass. 

Here is my stuffing all from scratch that destroyed most of Thanksgiving sides by exploding.

Come to think of it I am thankful cause the exploding glass dish shards could easly have darted in to my eyes.

I apologized to ex hubby. It was my own fault.

Im sorry to have spent the day solem & sad in stead of thankful.

 I guess my spirits ar still sunk to the bottom.I had Corona and migraine pills since i woke up.

So god night and good dreams to you.

Some Bodys Getting Drunk Tonight

Thanksgiving went to ruins.
It went to ruins at my ex hubbies kitchen.
He had the turkey and a list of things to cook for us and for some of his friends.
I was up since 5am.I used 5 tea bags and got the most caffeine out of them.
I began to cook the stuffing at 11 am.
To me the stuffings the most important.
Hubby and friends went to the park for hours cause it was a beautiful mild day.
I am venting,
I am angry.
Ex hubby left me to cook the turkey.The stuffing.The apple pie.The mashed poatos.The Creme brulee.
I wont and cant go in the details.
But alls left is the turkey.
Mash potatos gone.Creme Brulee gone.Stuffing gone.
Thanks be the turkey was okay.I remembered a little box of frozen peas and that is what we 5 of us shared.
Could have been better.Could have been worse.
But Im angry at my ex hubby for giving me a lenthy list of to-cooks and enjoying his day with buddies at the park with me frantic in a kitchen I wanted to be perfect.
I told him If theres one rambuctious drunk disturbing my sleep.Its going to be ME. Not you! Me!
Cause he enjoyed a day at the park while I rattled a round struggling with his lists of menu.
Im so sad. Im also angry.
It could be worse I know.
But why did it have to happen on a day of giving thanks?
So now Im just thankful Im here and semi rational but hysericly sad and disappointed.
Ill explain a nother day. 
God please give mercy this angry unappreciative spirit that I am tonight.
 I do not deserve your mercy still I ask.

Love is a Risky Affair

I prepared my ex hubby so he will understand that I am involved with some body else.

Ex hubby says hes been eyeing a gal himself and he does not feel be traded by my involvment.

Be for I told him I brouht the cloths I washed. I did not feel up to soaking them and scrubing them in my bath tub. I felt week and sick so I brought them to the laundrymat and draged the bags home and hung them all over the place to dry.

I want ex hubby to know may be I will be washing a nother mans cloths some day.

I was glad to hear ex hubby has interest in some one else

 and may be some day she will be responsible for washing his cloths.

I met Alex and he was hungry and wanted to know if we can split a Subway sandwich. Yes I said and I told him what ssize i like and what topings I would like on it.

We didnt have enough money so we got a smaller one and I gave him my 2.75 for my half.

He went to get it.He didnt want me to come with him. He took a long time but the sangwich was good and it was worth the wait.

We got in my apt and ate it.He got shifty and put his hand on my knee while he played pocket pool. I told him I was not ready for that yet.

So he left and I walked with him to the bus stoop. I had a ring I grabbed from home and asked him to put it on my finger.He said What for?I told him I cant do it.He put the ring on my finger and then I relaxed. I want to pretend where married before we get to the next step.

I am taking a risk in loving him.Im not sure if it will work out but Im not in a hurry and I want to date any how.

A Place with Dirty Ash Trays and Crusty Dishes

I was working for this dining place.It was owned and run by 2 elderly ladies.
One of the elderly ladies croshayed shawls and halters and blouses.She also knit cute dolls and puppets.
I remember feeling bad but I stold two hand made shirts costing 50 together.I figured I can pay her when I have money.
These hand made items where for sale all over the restarant.But  in the back of the restarant she had small plastic furniture for children and those same knitted dolls and puppets to play with.
I volunteered therenot knowing what the place was really for.
I never saw peopl eat there just hang a round. Even thouh you cant smoke in public places .She had ash trays and popouri and sachets all over to disguise the smoking.
The other lady was Greek and proud of her hertage and she had some Greek stuff scattered a round the place.
It was not clear to me what I was voluntering there for.Some times I ansered the phone and the Greek lady scolded me and told me not to.She said I can use the public phone and for free.
Finally when it was more busy I saw that lots of older guys hung out there and talked but it did not seem that they served any alcohol.
I notice a young guy working there and his gf. He did not do much.He sat a lot.
Then he would pick up a plate or bowl here and there and dump some of the ash trays in the garbage and sit again.
Seeing all the over flowing ash trays I started to empty them and I saw they had a sink but no dish soap. So I washed the ash trays with cold water.Thye had no hot water. And I placed them back clean & shiney and then I brought the crusty dishes and bowls to the hired guy and he said he just washed them.
I got upset and I took every dirty dish to the sink and began washing when he came over and said that he will do it .He will re wash them.
His girlfriend was giving him an argument because she wanted him to take her out and he said he had to do his work.
I started feeling sorry for the owners because it seemed like this busness was really there life not a sourse of income.
I got more busier trying to clean the place.I saw cigarettes on the floor by the sink and by nearly every table and picked them up.This just went on and on.And the hired guy was geting more crabby by all the cleaning that need to get done.
Then I find out the lady who knits the dolls is not hppy with my cleaning. I took ash trays out of the childrens play area and she wanted them put back.She said the parent some times sit down and watch the children and they need the ash trays.
Also the Greek lady knew a guy at the radio station and where hiring a band and would be broadcast on the radio and they would get lots of busness for that event.
Then I woke up because it was geting very weird to me.

Ugly Week End

So much has happened since a week. I dont know if its a week but this weekend was ugly and rough and cruel.

One of the first things that really upset me so bad was that I passed Alex on the street. It was not a chance meeting. I been on the look out for him since the day we had coffee together.

We talked and since I only get to meet him on the street  I asked him for his phone number.

He said he dont give it out and I asked him why and he said for right now lets nots not worry about it.

This seemed wrong to me so I gave him my number and he folded the paper and put it in his pocket.

Then he asked me if I was in love with him and I told him the truth Yes.

He told me he was not ready to jump into a relationship and said that we can be sexual friends.

I asked him if one day we can be more than that. He said Take it one day at a time.

This time we where together I didnt get a happy and loving feeling. I felt it was one sided.I love him but he dont love me back.

A nother thing was the presents I got my ex hubby.I bought him a hoodie and I ordered his fish online and I got them both.

But the money came from what I sold on Ebay and the buyer wrote saying he never recieved the stuff.

I wrote him and told him on con of the hurricane it might be delayed.The tracking number I got at the post office just says it was acepted and it dont indicate the where abouts of it.

That was the money I used to buy ex hubbies birthday gifts.

If the man never gets the package I refund him but since I spent my Ebay money and the account is under my ex hubby. They will take the money out of his account.

Of course I dont want hubby paying for gifts I wanted for him. And he will be pissed off if Ebay takes the money. I figured I wont tell him unless the man after some more time doesnt get the package.

The other thing was that my bro came to visit and usually he brings his three kids. I asked him why he  didnt bring them and he said they dont like me and dont feel comfortable a round me. I got very hurt about that and got angry and told him if he dont want his children visiting me then he might a swell stay away to.

He said its not his kids fault they dont like me or feel comfortable with me an they think Im really a man.This was the worst blow because my bro knows about the operation my parents decided for me having my reproductive parts removed and that it made me feel even more motherly and needy of children.

I always scraped up some money to buy them birthday and Christmas gifts.

I keep there pictures on display but I dont blame the children.I blame my brother and his wife.

I had three or four beers.I was more optimistic and drank tes earlier to get things done and then I felt that before drinking tea. I should see what kind of day its going to be. I can only enjoy from tea if my day is productive and pretty good.

I know Its not healthy drinking early in the day and on an empty stomache.Believe it or not I been to depressed to eat.

Moods and occurances change like the weather.Yes I am extremly depressed but who knows. Some thing can happen that can lift me up in happiness.

IDK. Maybe the Ebay guy will get the shipment.Or maybe Alex will begin to love me.

Life is full of question marks.

la volte la vita è un inferno. Life at times is hell.

I have a bottle of  Southern Comfort.It goes down smooth and hits you all at once.

I am feeling companionship with my computer and with my 2 best internet friends.I dont feel loneely even in my apartment.

I am typing because I have nobody to talk to. Well I can talk to ex hubby but he snaps at me when I get drunk.I cant call the religious lady for the same reason. She will only tell me drinking alcohol is the most offensive sin towards God.

I think if its so sinful it will not exisit in this world. I think its there for a reason.If not it would not exisit.

Does God judge by your heart or your weakness to pain blotting elements?

I think pain blotting elements are here for the very reason that lief is so emotional and wounding and at times brutaly  malishious.

Bear with me while I get a shot of Southern Comfort.If it was not confined to a bottle. I think Southern Comfort should be just distributed in the air so we all get some peace.

BRB.

Well I guess all this ramblin aint going no where.

Im Feeling Very Ugly

I know Ugly is not a feeling.

But I feel very very ugly. Ugly sounds to pretty.

I feel hideous.

Not feeling.I mean to say I look hideous.I should have been a nun.

Where is a place to go or a life style for hideous looking people.

I am cursed..

I wish I was blind and could forget how I look to myself an to other people.

I hope my stay in the world is not to long.Im just a suffering soul.

Some people have shown me so much mercy and I have no mercy for myself.

It just occured to me I feel like the title of Anna Graces blog.

I dont know if she realy feels like that or its her favorite song.

My thoughts wont linger very much in that question.

I am a monstrosity.

I wonder if I scare little children? That thought fills me with so much dispair. I cant stop crying.

And Im so big.

Physicaly Im a circus freak. Im in need of a cage with a sign Do not feed the animal.

If I had to live on display I will not have any peace.

Horrid.Dispicable.Un loveable.

How did I let myself forget my trap. The physical case thats traping a poor tired devastated soul.

I dont think I willblogfor a long time.

I want to forget I  exist.

I want to shrivel up and evaporate or shrink away.

Im not liking things I wrote about myself.I realize I was only fooling myself and setting myself up for suffering.

Enough. Im suffering and writing about it is magnifying my self hatred.

I am alright. I have cried lots over looking at my photos.

Please Bugerlugs and Gledwood dont worry about me.

I am at my worst emotionally.

I have a severe head pain from crying and soon I will forget.

The best thing I have going for me is my short and selective memory.

Hot to Trot and Hot Headed ex Hubby

Since Saturday when my hubby brouht me 2 trash bags full of cloths I been feeling very guilty.

I met a real good looking and hot guy Saturday night. His name is Alex.

I seen him before but I didnt know he was interested in me. In that way. He asked me if he could by me a cup of coffee.

I dont drink it but I sayed yes because I wanted to get to know him better.

While we where drinking the coffee he put his hand on my knee.I could feel my face geting hot. When he walked me home I could see his breath in the air. Hes so hot!

I invited him in and we passed my ex hubbies bags of cloths. I felt guilty thinking about my own physical desires in stead of cleaning hubbys cloths so I told him good night and walked him to the door.

I lost some sleep thinking about abandoning my hubbys cloths and pursuing my fleshy pleasures.

I was wondering if Alex felt hot to.And if Alex was picturing me un dressed in his mind.

I feel guilty for not washing my ex hubbies cloths this week. I could have washed at least a bag of his socks or under pants.Am I selfish? My ex hubby been wearing sandals in the cold weather and he has a bad cold.

Still I want to be invisable to my hubby.Disappearing like a ghost. Not facing my ex hubby when Im falling in a new love.

An old man told me that he met lots of ghosts and most of them where much nicer then most people.Ghosts have good  table manners and make good drinking buddies.

I wonder if God permits any souls to fly down to earth or only angels? May be the the wingless ones are ghosts.

I seen Alex a nother time since the coffee. He was geting on the bus as I walking and I said hi. And he came down off the stairs and on the side walk and he smiled to me and asked me whats up Sugar?

I told him I was sorry I made him miss the bus and he said Dont worry about it any way I can use a long walk.

Friday Focus on The Bible

I wanted to try some thing a little different.

For today I looked up passages from The Bible that corresponse to this day.

I chose The Gospel According to Matthew

Mathew 11:2 And when John heard in prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples

                  3 and said to Him, "Are you coming One,or do we look for another?"

                  4 Jesus answered  and said to them, "Go and tell John the things which you hear and see:

                  5 "The blind receive their sight and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them.

                  6 "And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me."

                  7 As they departed, Jesus began to say to the multitudes concerning John:"What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind?

Now Im going to think about how this is relevant today still keeping in mind that The Bible is very difficult to read and understand and that my interpretation may be way off.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that John is in jail and hes thinking  about Jesus and the miracles He is performing.

And that Jesus does not want John in jail pondering the miracles on his own and instead He sends His disciples to further explain to John whats going on. This makes me think Jesus wants to reasure John.

And that because John is in a sad and lonely place Jesus is sending to him words of endless hope and encouragement.

John of course was one of Jesus disciples.

Jesus stopped the people from stoning Mary Magdalene. Jesus appeared after rising from the dead to her.

Jesus was crucified with a thief and because the theif showed belief in Jesus. Jesus promised  Dismas that he will be recieved in Heaven.

So this applies to me because I am a sinner and its possible that God will accept me in Heaven to. And that God does not judge the person for there crimes but judges by the whole entire spirit. 
Gods eyes are divine and only He can see our spirit with complete fairness. And God has the power to heal anything He believes should be healed.
It makes me believe that only He knows when a soul is at his worst and needs His help the most. 
His knowledge is all knowing and ours is faulty and simple. 
And he is merciful.

Peace be with you this Friday and always.