Ugly Week End

So much has happened since a week. I dont know if its a week but this weekend was ugly and rough and cruel.

One of the first things that really upset me so bad was that I passed Alex on the street. It was not a chance meeting. I been on the look out for him since the day we had coffee together.

We talked and since I only get to meet him on the street  I asked him for his phone number.

He said he dont give it out and I asked him why and he said for right now lets nots not worry about it.

This seemed wrong to me so I gave him my number and he folded the paper and put it in his pocket.

Then he asked me if I was in love with him and I told him the truth Yes.

He told me he was not ready to jump into a relationship and said that we can be sexual friends.

I asked him if one day we can be more than that. He said Take it one day at a time.

This time we where together I didnt get a happy and loving feeling. I felt it was one sided.I love him but he dont love me back.

A nother thing was the presents I got my ex hubby.I bought him a hoodie and I ordered his fish online and I got them both.

But the money came from what I sold on Ebay and the buyer wrote saying he never recieved the stuff.

I wrote him and told him on con of the hurricane it might be delayed.The tracking number I got at the post office just says it was acepted and it dont indicate the where abouts of it.

That was the money I used to buy ex hubbies birthday gifts.

If the man never gets the package I refund him but since I spent my Ebay money and the account is under my ex hubby. They will take the money out of his account.

Of course I dont want hubby paying for gifts I wanted for him. And he will be pissed off if Ebay takes the money. I figured I wont tell him unless the man after some more time doesnt get the package.

The other thing was that my bro came to visit and usually he brings his three kids. I asked him why he  didnt bring them and he said they dont like me and dont feel comfortable a round me. I got very hurt about that and got angry and told him if he dont want his children visiting me then he might a swell stay away to.

He said its not his kids fault they dont like me or feel comfortable with me an they think Im really a man.This was the worst blow because my bro knows about the operation my parents decided for me having my reproductive parts removed and that it made me feel even more motherly and needy of children.

I always scraped up some money to buy them birthday and Christmas gifts.

I keep there pictures on display but I dont blame the children.I blame my brother and his wife.

I had three or four beers.I was more optimistic and drank tes earlier to get things done and then I felt that before drinking tea. I should see what kind of day its going to be. I can only enjoy from tea if my day is productive and pretty good.

I know Its not healthy drinking early in the day and on an empty stomache.Believe it or not I been to depressed to eat.

Moods and occurances change like the weather.Yes I am extremly depressed but who knows. Some thing can happen that can lift me up in happiness.

IDK. Maybe the Ebay guy will get the shipment.Or maybe Alex will begin to love me.

Life is full of question marks.

la volte la vita è un inferno. Life at times is hell.

I have a bottle of  Southern Comfort.It goes down smooth and hits you all at once.

I am feeling companionship with my computer and with my 2 best internet friends.I dont feel loneely even in my apartment.

I am typing because I have nobody to talk to. Well I can talk to ex hubby but he snaps at me when I get drunk.I cant call the religious lady for the same reason. She will only tell me drinking alcohol is the most offensive sin towards God.

I think if its so sinful it will not exisit in this world. I think its there for a reason.If not it would not exisit.

Does God judge by your heart or your weakness to pain blotting elements?

I think pain blotting elements are here for the very reason that lief is so emotional and wounding and at times brutaly  malishious.

Bear with me while I get a shot of Southern Comfort.If it was not confined to a bottle. I think Southern Comfort should be just distributed in the air so we all get some peace.

BRB.

Well I guess all this ramblin aint going no where.