I know Ugly is not a feeling.
But I feel very very ugly. Ugly sounds to pretty.
I feel hideous.
Not feeling.I mean to say I look hideous.I should have been a nun.
Where is a place to go or a life style for hideous looking people.
I am cursed..
I wish I was blind and could forget how I look to myself an to other people.
I hope my stay in the world is not to long.Im just a suffering soul.
Some people have shown me so much mercy and I have no mercy for myself.
It just occured to me I feel like the title of Anna Graces blog.
I dont know if she realy feels like that or its her favorite song.
My thoughts wont linger very much in that question.
I am a monstrosity.
I wonder if I scare little children? That thought fills me with so much dispair. I cant stop crying.
And Im so big.
Physicaly Im a circus freak. Im in need of a cage with a sign Do not feed the animal.
If I had to live on display I will not have any peace.
Horrid.Dispicable.Un loveable.
How did I let myself forget my trap. The physical case thats traping a poor tired devastated soul.
I dont think I willblogfor a long time.
I want to forget I exist.
I want to shrivel up and evaporate or shrink away.
Im not liking things I wrote about myself.I realize I was only fooling myself and setting myself up for suffering.
Enough. Im suffering and writing about it is magnifying my self hatred.
I am alright. I have cried lots over looking at my photos.
Please Bugerlugs and Gledwood dont worry about me.
I am at my worst emotionally.
I have a severe head pain from crying and soon I will forget.
The best thing I have going for me is my short and selective memory.
7 comments:
O dear Bev, what's brought this on? Is it something someone has said?
I think ugly can be a feeling, as can beautiful, and some days, no matter how we look, we can feel ugly or beautiful, as it comes from the inside, along with confidence and self-esteem . . . you're usually very positive and self-confident . . which makes this post quite worrying.
You're not hideous or frightening Bev, not at all.
You were put in a prison of negative self-image from a young age, and as you said, you worked hard to free yourself from this trap, and that's how you managed to forget about the trap, because it was made of lies, it didn't truly exist, it was imposed on you by others . . . The question is, what has reminded you of this trap? and what has led to you believing that the trap is real again and being pushed inside there again? . . . Whatever it is, is wrong, really wrong.
I hope you find a way through this real soon Bev, before it gets you any further down. You are a good person, a caring and loving soul and you deserve to feel good about yourself.
I obviously don't know what brought this on . . . But if it was an unkind remark . . . I'm willing to bet it was born of jealousy, from someone who didn't want you to feel good about yourself, or even less so, to feel good about someone else . . .
I can only guess, but if you can work out where these feelings have come from, I hope and pray that you can move away from them again . . . They have no right to be in your mind.
I hope this makes some sense and maybe even helps in some small way . . . I do hope you'll keep writing I'll certainly keep reading!
I do hope this feeling passes. Hugs and love sent to you x x
Dear Bev, I read your blog daily but have yet to comment. I feel a deep sadness for you. You have so much suffering inside but you seem like such a great person. Friendly and willing to help anyone. You have this beautiful light inside and out, and to hide away and not share it with the world would be a crime. I hope you feel better Bev. -Kelley
Bugerlugs all your words make sense but Im so despondent lately since some one pointed out my reality.What I really am.I want to copy and paste your mesage and save it in my draft email.
It is warm and kind.Im a drunken mess this morning and when I feel better I will come back to your message and I will be happy and re assured.
Thank you so much for sharing and caring for me and I want to be there.I will be there for you to if you ever need me.Ilove you very muchXoXo
Kelly thank you so much for your sweet comment.I have left my house only twice and briefly since this post.In time I will get over it.But at the moment I only feel peace all alone.
Thank you for such kind words of encouragement and for excpressing so much kindness on some one so un deserving.XoXo
I know exactly how you feel. Can I just parrot something that has been parrotted to me so often it just makes me sick: "Of course if you give up drink you will feel just perfect..." "Because alcohol is a depressant and so it is going to make you feel more depressed". Well that turned out to be complete bullshit as far as I was concerned. I'm more depressed now OFF the stuff than I usually was ON it.
I wish I had some magical remedy for you, Beverlybabe... but what would it be???~?
Love as always XXXXXXX
Unlovable? I have never felt unloved. I am too lucky. Instead of no parents, like some folks I have met, I actually have too many ~~ 2 sets of parents. That is: my Mum, my Dad, my step-Mum and a stepfather. When I was younger I found it too confusing, always neglecting one set at the expense of the other. And getting an angry letter back from my Mum once for not having said thank you for a free trip to Spain. I never got invited abroad with them ever again ~~... and that was back in 1991!
Sorry. Here I go ~~ wandering off again. yet again.
Unloved? No. Unlovable?~~ oh yes. I always wondered why anyone anywhere would ever love me at all. All my relationships in times past were based upon their adoration of me. Always she was more obsessed by me than vice-versa. And I was young enough and goodlooking enough to pull that off. Now I'm old and ugly and just a manic-depressive schizo drug addict I don't have that situation. Nobody ever obsesses about me: hence no relationships at all. (I don't WANT a relationship anyway. If I can't be bothered to get into the shower, to come out FREEZING COLD, I cannot be bothered for a relationship either. Let's face it, nobody wants a dirty, smelly old man. Even though I'm "only" 40...
Yes I always wondered why anybody would want to be friends with me. They were always friends with the depressive me. Which meant that when I started getting more and more "bipolar" in the late 1990s it was uniformly assumed that it "must be drugs" causing this. When actually what they saw was a flowering of my True Personality~!!
To put it in brief, when a person loved or even liked me, I'd always secretly, in some shadow-shrouded inner part of me, wonder WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THEM.
I've never felt unloved. Just unlovable. Totally and utterly. I can't explain why... but that's how I felt way back when... how I still feel now.
So I know how you feel. Ugly and unloved? Just like me.
And when I said the other day to that photo ~ is that really you? And how great you'd look in dazzling high jewellery of course I meant every word. Those who know me in Real Life know I'd never toss lying compliments at anyone, not for anything. I do think you look fantastic in that photograph. Beverly you are not ugly. True beauty is in the soul and darling you have a beautiful soul. Plus in your best pictures, you photograph really well. You have double beauty. So try and feel good, even if just for that.
True, sometimes nothing can make either of us feel OK. When our hearts are in eclipse and our lives drowning in shadows. Just remember that you are loved. As much as someone from thousands of miles away who barely knows you can love you, I really do. So does Bugerlugs. You might feel unlovable but you are not unloved.
Please remember that.
;-) XxXxXxX
Thank you to both of you kind hearts who come to me with such kind and sweet words.
I wrote no matter how much dispair I was in.I had nothing else to do and nothing to loose.I dont like how awful depressed I can get.
But if it gets to bad I will go to the doctors they wont come for me in an ambulance.
Thanks both of you so much for this compassion.Love and all good things to you so mercifulXo
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